Eleanor Grace, her birth story.

My family was on the road from Indiana and they decided to stop at the hospital on the way to our house. We visited with them for about an hour or so in the middle of the night. After they left I think we slept for another hour or so and I woke up to intense cramping and back pain. I went to the bathroom and tried to settle back into bed. At about 5:00 am the nurse told me that she would be coming in shortly to take out the cervidal. For the next ten to twelve minutes I experienced some very painful contractions. I thought another contraction was about to start but to my surprise I felt a huge pop and my water broke at 5:15, the first time my water had ever broken on its own. I called the nurse in and told her what had happened and that I was in a tremendous amount of pain. She checked me and said that I was at 6cm and that it would likely be another two hours or so until the baby was born. I was very uncomfortable, not able to control myself during the contractions. I had contractions for the next fifteen to twenty minutes before I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I told the nurse I made a mistake and wanted an epidural. The doctor came in and said that he was going to call for the epidural but he wanted to check me first. He looked at me and said “No epidural, we are just going to push” He put on a glove and had me pull up my legs. I pushed one or two times and then he said “STOP!” both him and the nurse ran out of the room to get supplies, there was nothing ready in the room. About 45 seconds later he was back and said I could push again and her head was out. The pain was so incredibly intense, as none of the IV pain meds that gave me a few minutes before even had time to make a difference. The doctor immediately laid her on my chest and for a few seconds I thought the past day was a mistake. I thought she was moving and breathing. I put my hand on her body and started crying. It wasn't a mistake. She wasn't moving. It was my chest moving making her body moved. I looked at her and now I can't even describe all the emotions going through my head. She was absolutely perfect. She had brown hair. Our first baby to have brown hair. As soon as she was delivered the doctor was immediately able to tell the cause of Ellie passing away. There was an amniotic band tied around her umbilical cord. Her life had essentially been taken away by a tiny little piece of my body. He assured me that there was nothing I could have done to change what had happened but I am still struggling with that. http://amnioticbandsyndrome.com/ Drew was able to cut her umbilical cord which we talked about so I was happy about that. The nurse laid her in the warmer and from the hospital bed I just stared at her body. My mind would float between reality and what felt like a dream. She is just sleeping. No, she isn't sleeping she is gone. Maybe it's a mistake, why aren't they fixing my baby, make her cry. It's not a mistake, she can't be fixed, she isn't going to cry. It felt like forever that I was on the bed delivering the placenta. Like my labors with Emery and Samuel I had some bleeding that had to be controlled with some shots and pitocin. All I wanted to do was get up and hold my baby but I couldn't. Drew helped wash her off and get her into her perfect little cloth diaper and get her dressed. After what seemed like forever I was holding Ellie again. I loved feeling her in my arms. For some reason I thought that she was going to be smaller than what she was so I was very surprised when the nurse did her measurements and she was almost 8 pounds! Drew sat near me while I held her for awhile and then he decided it was time to go home and bring the girls to the hospital to meet Ellie. For almost two hours I spent time alone with my angel. I held her close and stared at her little body. She was so perfect, so amazing. I kissed her cheeks, I rubbed her hands and feet. I smelled her hair and looked at every part of her body. I didn't want to forget one single moment with her. For a brief 15 minutes I held her on my chest and dozed off. Sleeping with my babies is always one of my favorite things and I told Drew I wanted the chance to nap with her. A little bit later my family came to the hospital. Ellie's grandma, GiGi and great grandma were able to hold her and soak up some of her sweetness. Finally Drew was back with Annalyn and Emery. Both of the girls ran in to the room and said they wanted to meet their new baby sister, it was a moment I had been looking forward to for months but almost immediately Annalyn and Emery had questions, "Why is Ellie's skin this color?" "What is wrong with Ellie's lips?" "Why isn't Ellie crying or moving?" "Is Ellie sleeping?" We had to tell the girls that Ellie was going to live in heaven with Jesus and that she wouldn't be coming home with us. Annalyn was devastated. She went over and put her head in Drew's lap and cried for a really long time. This was all too much for a six year old and four year old to comprehend. Emery crawled in the bed with me and held Ellie on my lap and then Annalyn decided she wanted to hold Ellie all by herself in the chair. I was very hesitant because Ellie's body was so fragile and I was doing my best to cover up the damage that her body was already showing because I thought it would be too difficult for the girls to see and I didn't want them to remember her body that way. Annalyn looked like a proud big sister holding Ellie close. She was looking at her body the same way I was, probably trying to understand why this was happening. Again Annalyn started to ask some questions. I tried to answer them as gently as I could. It seemed like Annalyn was trying to digest everything that was happening but then she looked me in the eyes and said "She's dead isn't she?" I still feel like a thousand knives stabbing my heart just typing those words out. It was the first time it was spoken out loud. Yes, my baby was dead. She wasn't coming home with us. She wasn't alive and was never going to be. I responded with a simple "Yes, Ellie is dead but she is alive in heaven with Jesus" We spent a little more time with family and with the girls and then they left so that Drew and I could have some more alone time with our baby. I decided to get up and try and make myself look half way decent before the photographer came. Drew held Ellie in the chair and got some daddy snuggles in. The photographer came around noon and took some pictures of Ellie, the only pictures we will ever have. After the photographer left Drew and I pulled up two comfy chairs near the window and we sat down and held Ellie and each other close. It wasn't a super nice day outside but at that moment the sun was just shining in the windows and I felt a little peace. We talked about Ellie and about some of the things we were going to miss, we snuggled her, and cried. We said our goodbyes. Around 3pm, we called the nurse. I helped her change Ellie's clothes. I wanted to keep the outfit she was wearing so we put on a regular diaper from the hospital and put on a little white shirt and wrapped her up in the hospital blankets. I gave her one more kiss and laid her in the nurses arms. That would be the last time I held my angel's body. I was very anxious to get out of the hospital and away from the place that I was hoping to experience so much joy in but ended up only feeling the opposite. We were finally released from the hospital and had to go straight to the funeral home. No one should be having to go to a funeral home less than 12 hours after giving birth but because we wanted to have Ellie's service in Indiana only a few short days away all the arrangements had to be taken care of quickly.