Missing my sweet girl

Dear Eleanor,
I miss you so very much sweet angel. Sunday Mommy and Daddy took your sisters and brother to the pool. As I was loading them up in Daddy's truck my mind instantly went to you. Daddy and I often joked when I was pregnant with you that we would all never be able to ride in his truck again. Your sissys and brother were all buckled in to their seats and dressed in their bathing suits. I began to think about this adorable pink little bathing suit that I bought before you were born in case you were a girl. I began to cry, we miss you. 

We had so many plans this summer and every single one included you. Almost hourly I imagine what I would be doing if you were here with us. We love you so much Ellie.

1 in 4

1 in 4.
That is how many pregnancies will end without a baby.

Sometimes I think about all the people I was pregnant with, those people having their babies or about to have their babies and I get angry. They are all so happy, so full of love and joy. Their number wasn't called. Mine was. They dodged the bullet and I took the hit.

It doesn't seem fair. No, I would never wish this on anyone in a million years but it's not fair.

I don't want another baby, I just want her.

I know people mean well when they try and comfort me with the words, "Well, you never know what will happen maybe you will have another baby."

I don't want another baby. I want Ellie. I want the baby I already had. On top of that, no I likely will never have another baby. People don't know our "reproductive" situation, it's not their business so I don't normally explain that after two vasectomies the chances of another baby are very very unlikely.  So the words people try and say to comfort me don't really work in this situation.

Things you should know about stillbirth

This is going to be a work in progress. Through my loss one thing I have found out that stillbirth is a very taboo subject. Death of a baby is not something anyone wants to talk about so because of that it is not something a lot of people know about. I have encountered some awkward situations and have been asked/told some very insensitive things. Like always I still try and see the good in people and assume that the reason for these insensitive questions/comments are lack of knowledge about the topic.
I will be updating this post as I think of more useful information. Please comment on this post or email me at kristinrdobson@hotmail.com if you have a question that you think might be helpful for me to answer for my readers.


1. Yes, I still had to have Eleanor. Just like a normal pregnancy I had to give birth to my angel. I didn't get to go into the hospital and just have her "taken out". Stillbirth is not a valid medical reason to have a cesarean section (in most all cases). In my case as with most I found out Eleanor had passed away before I was in labor. I was given the option to be induced immediately or to wait and try and go into labor on my own. I discussed my options with my OB and made a choice that I felt was right. Some women prefer to wait and have more time with their little one inside of them. For me I wanted to have her as soon as possible and meet her.

Like with my other living children I was medically induced. With minimal medical intervention I labored and delivered Eleanor, almost all natural. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was sad. But I had to do it.

Unless a mother of a baby that has had a stillbirth offers up information or starts to talk about their labor and delivery experience it is best to not approach the subject unless you are a close friend/family, know the person and know that they are in a place where the questions will not do more harm than good. If the bereaved parent has told you that they do not mind answering questions or they on their own start talking about it please be sensitive. Please do not say "I don't know how you did it", because neither do they.

2.  A baby that is stillborn most of the time is 100% healthy (without medical problems), which was Eleanor's case. Stillbirth can be caused by many factors and a lot of them time no actual medical reason is found. Eleanor's umbilical cord had a uterine fiber tying her cord off/cutting off her life supply.

When you find out someone you know has had a still birth please to not immediately inquire to the reason why. I had many people before and after I have birth to Ellie ask me "Oh my gosh WHAT HAPPENED?" In the beginning this question was extremely painful and caught me off guard. Now, almost two months later the question is still painful but I have had time to prepare an answer and talk about it with a little less pain. 

I ran today...

Another angel momma who is a runner told me a few weeks ago that she found out it was possible to cry while running.

Today I ran for the first time and found out that she was right. I was about to hit my first solid mile and for some reason out loud I said "WTF."

At that moment I was so mad. I was mad that I was running because there is NO way I would have been running at fives weeks after having a baby if that baby were still here. So of course I started to think about what I would be doing if Ellie had not of passed away and the anger turned into tears.

I remember when I started running after I had Sam. It was tricky to work out because of breast feeding.  I had to make sure and nurse him before I wanted to work out then you have to deal with the tight bras and all that madness. It didn't even try running until he was almost six months old and then I could barely go .25 miles without dying! Well today, at not even six weeks post partum I ran 1.25 miles without stopping and then walked/jogged .75 more after that.

It was a huge relief of negative energy. I was still mad and sad that I was doing it but I did feel better after. Like I have told many people if I have made it through so much physical and mental pain so far there is nothing I can't do. So today I signed up for two 5ks in July. I can't wait to see what I can do physically especially with my little angel cheering me on.

Why do babies have to die?

I was recently talking to a close friend who the girls and I are going to visit soon. I had to ask her if she had talked to her daughter about what happened. Annalyn has recently blindsided a few people we know when she talks about Ellie and their children start to ask questions. I wanted to make sure that my friend got a chance to talk to her daughter before Annalyn did.

It makes me sad. I hate that my kids and my friends' children have to know that babies die. It breaks my heart to hear Annalyn say she doesn't want to have any kids because she doesn't want them to have to go to heaven when they are babies.

I wish we didn't have to answer questions about dead people, cemeteries, dying and heaven all day long.

Let me say that it is torture having to see your four and six year old cry frequently over their baby sister. As much as I wanted a baby girl Annalyn and Emery wanted a baby sister even more! I hate that she was taken away from them so soon.

We all want her back.

It's 2:29 am

I knew taking an almost four hour nap today would not make for good sleep tonight and now here I am. This house is so peaceful at this hour. I try and imagine what it would be like with a one month old. I imagine that instead of sitting on the couch with Ellie's blanket I would be snuggled up with her. Maybe she would be awake and eating or maybe just passed out after a late night nursing session. One thing is for sure I bet she would be warm and smell like a perfect little newborn. I miss that newborn smell. Sam lost his tiny baby smell a long time ago. Sometimes when we snuggle I get little tiny whiffs of it on his head or on the back of his neck when I nuzzle my nose in close to him. I am so thankful that Sam is a little love bug. Whenever I hold him close I ask God to keep him as much like a baby as possible. I need it for just a little bit longer.

Ellie's Footprints

I love looking at her tiny little footprints.

It's been one month....

Almost exactly to the hour that I found out about our baby. Looking back I think that God put some sort of shield around me, trying to soften the blow of the unimaginable. One Month Ago: After having a hard time sleeping all night I woke up at 6:00 am. Instantly my mind went to the baby and trying to remember the last time I felt movement. I vividly remember the last kick I felt, 12:30 am. But I tried to convince myself that the baby was probably just moving while I was sleeping. My regular 38 week check up was scheduled for 4:00 pm that day. For peace of mind I told Drew I was going to call and try and get in earlier. My doctor's office/network has a 24 hour scheduling line so I called a little after 6. Pretty much all of the OBs who deliver at the hospital I was planning on delivering at were booked up so it took some work on her part but she was finally able to get me in for an appointment and non-stress test at 10:00. I went downstairs to talk to Drew and my mom (who was staying with us in preparation for the baby to be born). I told them that I just wasn't feeling well and was going to lay down until closer till the time of my appointment. I went back to bed. I rubbed my belly and thought that it felt different. Maybe the baby had dropped and was so low that is why it felt less tight. Yes, that is what I believed. I poked my belly and tried to feel anything. Baby must be ready to come out and is just snuggled in low. Looking back now I do not know how I was calm. Why did my brain even allow me to think that everything was okay? After 3 pregnancies I knew how I should feel at this point. I should feel my big baby moving. I rested for a little bit then got up and fixed my hair. I felt oddly at peace. All I could think was that very very soon I would be meeting our little baby, because there is no way I would have been carefully straightening my hair and even applying make up if I had known what had already happened. I know that I texted a few people and told them I was going in because of the lack of movement and everyone said they would send up good thoughts and well wishes. Unfortunately now I know that those were all too late. I sat in the doctors office and read on my kindle, and updated a few friends that I would shortly be going into my appointment. I remember seeing other pregnant women in the office and thinking, this is probably the last time my pregnant self will be waiting to get called back. When the nurse called me back, I was still calm. How? I will never know. I got undressed and up on the table. The nurse put both of the monitors around my belly as I explained that I didn't feel quite right and that I couldn't remember feeling any movement since around 12:30. She started moving the heart monitor around. It was an eery silence. She asked me where they typically get a good heart read on the baby. I showed her the spot, right above my right hip, on the underside of my baby bump. She put it there and it was still silent. STILL, I remained calm. She said she was going to bring the doctor in with the doppler. I laid back and waited. I was actually annoyed, thinking as soon as I get hooked up the baby is gonna go crazy kicking and I will look like a paranoid mom. I wish that had been the case. The doctor came in and now that I painstakingly relive every detail I can see the concern on his face. He put the doppler on my belly. We could hear my heart beat. He did an internal exam and said "We are sending you down for an ultrasound." I asked "Is everything okay with my baby?" He said "Typically this far along we are able to find a heartbeat." I know that it became hard to breath and that I cried but I still did not think my baby was not alive. Honestly the thought still had not entered my mind. I would have never guessed that would be the outcome in a million years. I called Drew and told him that they were not able to find the babies heart beat and that they were taking me down for an ultrasound. It would not be until about 15 minutes later when I saw my baby so still on the ultrasound machine and I heard the ultrasound tech confirm that my baby had passed that I would break down. One month ago. --------------------------- One month ago my world came crashing down. My body had failed me. My sweet little baby was gone. Having to imagine the thought that my womb, which was supposed to give me a new life and had brought me three beautiful babies was holding a baby that was not alive. I keep thinking if only I could go back one month and one day. Maybe I could change things. I would go into the doctor and tell them things felt different, insist on an ultrasound and maybe an induction. I would take another belly picture and go to the hospital happily and eagerly await to find out the gender of our new miracle. These are the things that should have happened. But here I sit. One month later and it is worse than ever. The nightmares have started, too horrible and graphic to even share here. I have to make myself get out of bed, typically with less than four hours of sleep because my other kids need me. They need me to be normal because what we have all gone through isn't normal. As I sit here and type Annalyn just asked me if Jesus has a crib for Ellie in heaven. I said "I bet so". My sweet innocent children now have to know and deal with the fact that babies die. Little siblings sometimes don't get to come home. A healthy baby in mommas belly sometimes will only give us an angel. It's not fair. It sucks. I want to scream and cry and punch something. None of those things will bring her back. Nothing I do will ever change this. One month ago I never thought I would be typing a blog about my baby passing away.

Seven years of my life

has been devoted to babies, pregnancy, nursing, diapers, car seats, late nights, pacifiers, reflux, bottles, breast pads, strollers, baby proofing, nap time, tiny clothes, exhaustion, maternity clothes, belly pictures, well baby checks and so much more but I think you get the point. Almost seven years ago we found out we were expecting our first child, only a few months after we got married. Now seven years later we have four beautiful children (although Ellie is in heaven she is still beautiful and still my baby!) So in seven years I have been pregnant four times. That means most all of our marriage has been devoted to everything I have listed above. Now it all seems so different. No more infant seat in our car, no more burp rags and tiny newborn diapers laying around the house. We have moved away from the adding to our family part of our lives and are now just focused on raising our older ones. I want to be excited about this. I keep thinking of the little more "freedom" I have. No nursing baby to be focused on 24/7, time to work on my "baby belly", easier outings, and an almost diaper free house. But I am not excited, it kills me. Ellie should be here and we should be starting our "18 more years till we have some freedom" countdown. It's easy to move into new phases of life when it is what was planned. Dealing with this tragedy that has thrown our world into a mini spiral is going to take some work, adjusting, and time to revise our plans and dreams.

When my thoughts bring me down.

Why do I keep asking myself questions I will never get answers to? Why do I someone find a way to blame myself for this? Why do I replay the moment over and over again in my head when I learned that my baby was dead? Why can't I just shut down my brain to anything besides the good? Why do I have to have dreams that make me wake up and search for a baby that I don't have? Why did I get pregnant when I wasn't supposed to and hear over and over again that this baby was "meant to be" and must be a miracle only to have that special baby ripped away from me? Why does everyone else get to move on with their lives and be happy and I have to relive my tragedy day after day? Why do people that don't love and appreciate the children they have get to have more babies and I don't? I pray to God to give me peace. I don't need these answers I just need to stop thinking about the questions. God has a plan but this isn't anything like I thought it would be.

I keep waiting...

for mail that isn't going to come. I keep hoping to see another social security card and birth certificate in the mail to add the envelope with all of our important documents. Stillborn babies don't get those. We got a death certificate. We didn't get her newborn pictures. We got her Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photos. We didn't get to personalize little art work for her nursery. We had to pick out a gravestone. I still keep waiting for something to be normal. Then I remind myself that having a baby that is not alive is not normal and this will take time to process.

Online communities

Since I was pregnant with Annalyn I have always gravitated towards online communities. When I was a few months pregnant with her I was introduced to a "Mom Board". A group of women online posting about pregnancy, newborns, and everything/anything about being a parent and all that goes along with it. Not many people understand the dynamics that go along with an internet community unless you are part of one. These are not just strangers behind the screen as some might think. These are women I talk to daily (many times throughout the day), they are women I have traveled hundreds of miles to meet, we share in each others joys and heartbreaks. We talk about the intimate details of pregnancy that one wouldn't normally share with just anyone. We talk about our children, our family, our marriage, our finances, our likes and dislikes. We often rant to each other and say things that we want to say to other people but it often is not appropriate. Some of these women have become my best friends. The day before we found out that Ellie passed away I was eagerly posting about every little tiny abnormal ache that I felt. My momma friends all eagerly assured me that it indeed sounded like I was in labor. When I woke up Tuesday April 22nd, and had was not feeling movement I shared my concerns with my momma friends. I updated them almost minute by minute until I got into the doctors office and got my heartbreaking news. Since that day, more than ever these women have banded together and helped hold me up so that I don't completely break down into pieces. If you have suffered a loss I highly suggest reaching out into an online community and maybe chatting with others that have experienced a loss. If you are a momma or trying to become one I suggest it as well. It is a great outlet and a wealth of knowledge.

I hate the night

Trying to be "normal" again is a lot of work. I think I hold back so much during the day to be there for the kids that when the night time comes all those emotions, thoughts, and tears I held back seem to overwhelm me at night. It seems I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open and then when my head hits pillow my grief and terrible thoughts begin to come out. My mind always goes back to the last night that Ellie was alive, feeling her kicks and laying in bed and talking with Drew about how close we were to meeting our new baby. Even though everyone tells me not to I keep asking myself, could I have done something differently? I start to think about what we would be doing right at this exact moment if she was here. Would we be trying to sleep after a bedtime nursing session? Would Drew be holding Ellie so I can try and sneak in a shower and maybe a few minutes to myself after a surely crazy day with 4 kids? Maybe I would be texting with a friend about my newborns nursing habits and the crazy amount of cloth diapers I seemed to use every day. Instead she is up in heaven and I am laying there, sad, broken, hurt, mad, jealous, and confused. But I have to get some sleep so I hold her blanket tight, I try and find a thought that might stop the flow of tears for just long enough to let me find peace and fall asleep. I have to pray that I don't have any dreams. I so badly want to dream about Ellie but I am more terrified of having dreams that hurt too much. Lately that is all I have. Dreams of friends announcing a pregnancy, or showing off their newborn to me remind me of what I can't have/don't have. The night time sucks.

I found this article

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2625525/A-mothers-sorrow-Macaque-monkey-spends-days-carrying-dead-newborn-baby-heartbreaking-display-grief.html

This is what made me cry today.

Thrown back into the reality

Today was my first day home alone with all the kids while Drew was back at work. Mornings are rough. Since I am not sleeping that well I am very tired and groggy in the morning. I had to make a good effort to just start moving because I knew if I sat down on the couch we would watch movies all morning and accomplish nothing. So right after breakfast I took the kids upstairs to Annalyn and Emery's room and started working on their closet. I turned on the Frozen soundtrack and worked away while the kids played dress up. We are having a garage sale this weekend so I am in a mad dash to get out anything and everything that I don't have any use for! The rest of the morning/lunch/nap time went surprisingly well. No random crying fits from any of the kids and we actually finished up lunch in time to play outside while we waited for the school bus. I haven't actually mustered up the energy yet to take all the kids outside alone. I knew it was coming so after trying to offer them many craft options and movie selections and still hearing them beg to go outside and play I caved. We live in a neighborhood with lots of other families with kids the same age as ours there is always a little mommy social time while the kids play. Fortunately my neighbors have been amazing. Even though we all just met a few short months ago I have grown close to many of them. No one seems to mind helping me chase Sam around or to keep an extra set of eyes on the girls. I was nervous though because the last time we were all outside playing Ellie was still alive and well inside my belly. We were all chatting about how huge my belly was getting and how it probably wouldn't be much longer at all. They all knew I wanted a little girl and we talked about how Elliot was such an adorable name for a baby girl. As with other things that have happened recently I was making too big of a deal out of the situation in my mind. Everything went well, I didn't have much of the anxiety that I had been feeling and I was even able to chat with a couple of the other moms about Ellie. I shared some of the pictures with one of my friends and we both gushed over how beautiful Ellie was. I had to laugh when my friend also commented on how long Ellie's finger nails were because Drew and I were JUST talking about it this morning. She would have had to get a nail trim quickly or she would have scratched her tiny little cheeks to pieces! A friend from my MOPS group brought us dinner, a wonderful chicken salad! The meal train has been such a blessing by taking the burden of having to prepare meals on top of physically/emotionally recovering and trying to tend to the kids. By the time dinner was finished I was so ready to go to bed but we still had homework and other "normal" nightly things to do. I will be so glad when my energy level is back to normal and my physical pain/discomfort has gone away. I have to constantly remind myself that just because Ellie is not here I did just have a baby. I get tired easily and my hips are still very achy. Also I have been stressing out EVERY single day, multiple times a day about my photo card. I contacted the company and their technicians are still trying to work on recovering the images off of the compact flash card. I don't want to say I have lost hope but I guess after something horrible happens you don't get your hopes up as easily. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I will be devastated if we don't get the photos back but I will have to find a way to work past it if it happens.

My First Mother's Day Without Her

I assume all special days of the year will be extra rough without Ellie so I was definitely not looking forward to today. I told Drew that I didn't want anything special, that spending the day at the house with him and the kids was good enough. The kids woke up early and Drew got up with them. I laid in bed for about half an hour of of course my mind went right to Ellie. She would have been almost 3 weeks old today, actually I could have still been pregnant, 41 weeks. If she was here I would have probably been laying in bed and nursing her or just fell asleep after an early morning nursing session. I probably would have been a little grumpy too, thinking about how I was tired from being up all night tending to newborn needs. Now I would give anything to stay up all night and have a newborn at my chest and change those tiny little diapers. I finally fell back to sleep and slept in till almost 11 am. Sleep has not been easy so the extra few hours was very nice. I was greeted with "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" and a mad dash to hand me cards right when I came down the stairs. Annalyn made me a card and had Drew tape some change inside of it. I asked her what I was supposed to do with the money, she said "Do some surprise Mother's Day shopping." I then asked her what I should buy, "Maybe a little toy or something to share with your kids." Ha When the kids laid down for a nap I decided to venture into the craft store and do a little project shopping. I made a shadow box for Ellie that had the outfit she wore in the hospital. After I made it and hung it up I decided it made me very sad to look at. I thought that if I made one for each of the kids and hung them all together it wouldn't be as painful to look at. Shadow boxes were buy one get one free so I made my way to Michael's and picked up all the supplies. I also thought it was time to do a little grocery shopping. I haven't cooked at all in the past three weeks and fast food and take out will only get you so far before nothing you can buy already prepared sounds appetizing. I was talking with a friend and told her how I actually like going out to the store. I feel like just one in the crowd, no one knows what has happened. I feel like when I am around someone that knows what has happened they are walking around on eggshells. No one knows what to say or what not to say so they say nothing. I don't know what to say because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so it is a sort of stalemate. I know grief and tragedy are not easy to deal with so I don't fault anyone for their actions I am just hoping it doesn't last forever. Overall my day was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course I missed Eleanor every single second but that is every day not just the special ones.

Truth

That was awkward.

Today for the first time since Ellie passed away I took the girls to their weekly dance class. Dance has been going on since September, just a couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant. So for the past 9 months I have talked to the other mom's as they admired my growing belly. We all talked about gender guesses, names we considered and anything and everything related to my pregnancy. I am not friends with any of these mom's outside of dance class so I was nervous about going in and facing the awkward questions. Surprisingly we received a card from the dance studio so I was a little baffled how the owners/teachers found out. I still didn't think that everyone would know. I guess I was wrong. No one said anything. No one asked about my baby. I hated every second of it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to talk about Ellie. It was obvious they all knew or if everything was "normal" they would have been asking to see pictures, to know the gender, to find out her name and ask about the birth. This is all still so fresh. My belly is still soft and my body shows signs of recently having a baby. I don't want to erase that but then maybe if my tummy was a little flatter and my hips back to normal the awkward stares at my stomach and wondering "What happened to her baby?" would not be so painful.

I hate feeling so angry and jealous

Anyone that knows me knows I have always had love for babies, kids, anything pregnancy related. Not so much now. Seeing a pregnant woman is basically a knife in my heart. I have had to hide every single one of my pregnant friends on FB, along with anyone that has recently had a baby or about to have a baby. My heart almost skips a beat and I feel like the air is completely sucked out of my body when I see my friends and their gorgeous pregnant bellies, most all of them pregnant and due soon with little baby girls. I know that they all feel horrible about what happened but it doesn't change the fact that they are about to have what I can't have even though I was supposed to. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy for my friends, I want to hold their little ones and gush over how gorgeous they are but I can't. I think I would rather die than have to hold another little baby girl because I just want my baby girl. Then my brain starts to rationalize and tell me how selfish and horrible I sound. The grief is unimaginable. I would never want anyone to have to go through this but I AM going through it and it freaking sucks. To make it worse their are a couple other women I have been pregnant with almost my entire pregnancy. We have all been going through the same stages of pregnancy at the same time. So like me they are about to have their baby girls and their husbands are about to have the joy of snuggling and spoiling their new little princesses. Why not us? Because our baby is gone. Something to think about: If you told someone you had a terminal disease, which of the following responses would bring you the most comfort? -Everything happens for a reason. -You'll be in a better place. -At least you lived a long life. -This is for the best. -God must need another angel. -I know how you feel. -At least your mom has other kids. -At least your spouse can remarry. While some may be true, would they help you? If not... please avoid making these statements to families who have lost their baby.

Ready to share a few pictures

Eleanor Grace Dobson 

4/23/2014 

5:54 am 

7 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long

Today is my due date

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for such a long time, well up until my world turned upside down. Now I just want to erase today off of the calender and out of my brain. I actually started looking forward to this date on September 2, 2013. 

That was the day I got this:

What a shock that was. Oh, and not just just a little shock, or a bitty surprise a whole OH MY GOSH IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING kind of surprise. Sam was born October 8, 2012. Less than a week later Drew had a vasectomy. We were done having kids. Actually we had decided on two and Sam was a surprise but after Sam we thought well three is the perfect number so we decided that permanent birth control was the best option for us. So you can imagine our surprise when I found out I was pregnant again. I was still nursing Samuel and wasn't having any regular cycles so I had no idea until those lines popped up on the test. I couldn't believe my eyes and neither could Drew. I started to cry and he started to laugh. Dobson Baby #4, Holy Moly! So about a month later, 12 months after his first vasectomy Drew had another one because we definitely agreed 4 children was plenty for us!

 As with each of my pregnancies I had horrible life altering morning sickness. Not the "oh, I feel crummy and might get sick" type of feeling the "I think I might be dying", "Is it actually possible to puke this many times in one day" sickness. I lost almost 20 pounds the first trimester. Besides that my pregnancy was fairly uneventful. I was not considered high risk this time because Sam's pregnancy was complication free. I loved being able to go out with the kids and not worry about my blood pressure, not be nervous the entire time that I would be put on bed rest and to have a "normal" pregnancy.

When the ultrasound showed that the baby had passed away my mind went crazy. My first reaction was "This is a mistake! God wanted me to have this baby! I shouldn't have even have gotten pregnant but I did so why would my baby be taken away." It is something I have been struggling with. Yes I do have other children and I am thankful for them every single day BUT that doesn't change the fact that I was supposed to have another baby and now I don't. I likely will never feel a baby kick inside my body again. Something that I had spent 9 months preparing for, dreaming about, talking to, sleeping with, causing me pain and joy all at once was gone. I felt like the world was being so cruel, here you are going to have a baby, no just kidding. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be at peace with not carrying another baby, nursing another little one, staying up late at night and being the exhausted new mom. The past almost 7 years of my life has been consumed with being pregnant, having a newborn, having a toddler, and then repeating. I have been instantly thrown into a new phase of life of raising and maintaining my family and not adding too it. I was not prepared. I didn't get to enjoy every last "first" like I had been imagining.

Our Facebook announcement

Half Way There!

32 Weeks!

35 Weeks!

The last belly picture I took, 37 weeks. One week and two days before we lost her.

A question I have grown to hate

"How are you doing?" My instant response is "okay". Then my mind starts screaming "YOU ARE NOT OKAY! YOU ARE BROKEN." But what does everyone want to hear, no one wants to hear that my body is torturing me, my heart is ripped in two, my breasts are filled with milk that I can not feed my baby, my hips ache with each step, I don't sleep at night because all I do is cry, my eyes burn every morning from the tears I cried the night before, my children cry for their sister they will never get to play with, my husband is angry at the world because our baby was taken away, everyone looks at me like I might die from sadness at any moment, every time I touch my belly I still think Ellie should be there, and all I want to do is crawl up in a tiny ball and cry. So I likely just say "okay" because that is easier to deal with. I don't have to hold back tears and relive every painful second of the previous week. But if anyone thinks I am just okay then they must be blind because my whole body shows signs of grief and exhaustion.

Ellie's Funeral

Ellie's funeral was simple and perfect. It was just family and close friends. It was raining and chilly but beautiful. Honestly most of it is a blur and I don't think I could share my emotions even if I tried. No one should ever have to bury their child. Seeing my other daughters put a flower down on their baby sister and crying real tears will forever change me. We lost our baby, they lost their sister, grandparents lost their grand baby, cousins lost a cousin, aunts and uncles lost a niece. Heaven did gain a beautiful angel and I know that Ellie will only ever know love but right now I just want her back with me.

 Saying one last goodbye to my angel

 One of my favorite floral arrangements we received. It was so beautiful and girly just like Ellie.

 Another one of my favorites.

Ellie's service

We had Eleanor's service today. It was more beautiful than I had even thought possible. Our church back in Indiana helped us put the whole service along with a visitation and dinner after the service together. The whole front of the church was covered in floral arrangements sent from friends and family. A slide show of the pictures the photographer took of Ellie played on the screen during the visitation. In the reception area Drew and I put together a table with the shadow boxes I made for Ellie, drawings Annalyn had made of her and Ellie, and some more photographs. My favorite part of the service was when the children's minister did a special part for Annalyn and Emery. For those of you that were there you know it turned out to be quite comical. It was like a glimpse into our every day life with three little ones. We learned that there are NO wedgies in heaven (thank you Emery!), Annalyn is not afraid of anything except thunder and lightning, and that Daddy missed our old house because he liked to throw their toys over the balcony when they left them in the living room. After the service we went back home to rest. My best friend made the trip to Indiana from Georgia and she was staying with me so we just sat and talked about Ellie and visited with each other. For some reason I thought that I should be crying more than I was but I truly felt like I was in a sort of fog. Things didn't seem real. Unfortunately with every passing hour the reality of what had happened would pop back up and kick me in the gut. No one would ever get to meet our little girl and hold her like they did with her big sister and brother. She would never be running around being crazy with her cousins. She would never get to walk around in Indiana and know why we called that our home though we didn't live there. My sweet baby, my last baby to be in my body was up in heaven looking down on me and I wanted her back. I didn't want to be burying her I wanted to be holding her. Also my body had more cruel ways to torture me. You would think that if my body took my baby away it would maybe be kind enough to realize I didn't need to feed her but Mother Nature kicked in and my milk came in, another horrible reminder that I was supposed to be taking care of my sweet girl. I never got to hold her close and nurse her, to see her sweet body fall asleep in a milk drunk slumber. I wondered how long my body would keep shoving it in my face that Ellie was gone.

Back to Indiana

We had an early morning start today by having to finish up packing for Indiana and helping my family get on the road with the girls. Every single task that I had to do today was a blaring reminder that my baby was gone. Discussions with the funeral home, talking to the cemetery owners, having to pick up Ellie's ashes, dealing with life insurance, picking out funeral clothes, making Ellie's remembrance boxes, looking at all the baby stuff not being used and fielding off the questions of what was going on with the wondering world were all too much for me. I was running on a couple of hours of sleep from the past few days so when my family left Drew took Sam to a close friends house so I could finish up packing and rest alone. It was very strange when everyone had left the house. I was, for the first time completely alone. There was no baby in my belly just me and my empty arms.. Even just a week ago I would have been over joyed with a quiet house to do what I wanted but now it seemed wrong. I found myself rubbing my belly very frequently and every time my heart throbbed. Just a couple days ago I would have felt a very big baby wiggling in the tiny amount of space left, I would have been talking to her (not knowing it was a her!) and asking when she was going to make her appearance. I was finally able to get the strength to take a shower and then I crawled into bed. Ellie's onesie still smelled like her so I held it near my face and closed my eyes. Not expecting much at all I was surprised when I woke up hours later! Drew had already gotten back home, brought Sam home and put him down for a nap. I didn't hear anything. I think my body was trying to catch up! We finished loading the car and got on the road to Indiana. Before we left New York though we stopped and met the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) photographer. I had messaged her about my photo card and told her the only pictures we would have of Ellie for her service would be the pictures that she took. She was amazing and worked extra hard and finished the pictures in less than two days. Not only did she give the photo CD she had also made me a album of all of the pictures, printed some larger sizes, and gave me a card with some extra goodies. I am so thankful that during the initial shock of finding out that some of my friends were able to help me out and get the photographer in place. We talked about it on the ride home and decided that we were going to use part of the money people gifted us to make a donation to the NILMDTS foundation. The car ride was not the normal happy car ride we typically have going back to Indiana. We felt more at peace burying Ellie in Indiana. We won't be in New York forever so we want her to be some place that we will always end up going and where there will be family to visit her often. Since Ellie was cremated we were able to take her ashes with us. We had the box they gave us and we wrapped it up in her blanket. Many people were surprised that we chose to have Ellie cremated. I honestly could not have imagined it any other way. I didn't want people handling her body and trying to "fix" her up. I only wanted to see her the way she was when she was born and not how someone else thought she should look. We drove all through the night and made it back to Indiana around 4 am.

First day without her.

Sleeping that first night at home was rough. Actually sleeping wasn't rough, laying awake for hours staring at the ceiling fan was rough. I was still dealing with the physical aftermath of just having a baby less than 24 hours prior. I felt weak and was still bleeding. I had been looking forward to my first night at home after having a baby. I always loved being free of the stupid hospital rules and happily laying in my bed with my baby on my chest. This was a whole new experience and it was hell. Instead of a sweet little newborn I laid their sobbing and clenching her blanket as tight as possible. I held the outfit she wore near my face to soak up any of the smell of her still left on the clothes. Still, I held out a little hope that this was all still a bad dream that maybe I could wake up from. I got up early and decided I wanted my mom and aunt to take me to the craft store. I got this idea in my head for a shadow box to make for Ellie's service and I couldn't rest till it was finished. So only 24 hours after giving birth I got in the car and went to Micheal's. I had to be pushed in a wheel chair because I was too weak to walk but I got everything I needed, with a price tag over over 120 dollars but it didn't matter because I wanted the box to be perfect. I had an idea and I wouldn't stop till it was finished. I needed a photo of Ellie for the box I was making. I decided to take my photo card to Walmart to print out some of the pictures I took at the hospital. Long story short my photo card somehow broke between taking pictures at the hospital and trying to load pictures to print. I was distraught. The ONLY pictures that were taken of Ellie and the girls were on my card, also the photos of my family holding Ellie. I made a plea on FB asking if anyone had any advice. I was given a lot of answers but ultimately decided to send the card off to a professional data recovery service. Later that evening I rode with Drew to go into his work office. He had to fax paperwork to deal with the Army/life insurance company so that we could pay for everything for Ellie. No one expects to be paying for a funeral/gravestone/etc when we should be worrying about buying last minute baby items. We also had to go to Kohl's and get something for Drew to wear to Ellie's funeral and service. Drew picked out a very pretty purple shirt because the color reminded him of Ellie. We took too much time picking his clothes out and I started to get really weak in the store. By the time we got to the check out all I could think was "Eff this, like we are ever going to wear these clothes again." We finally got home later that evening and I helped pack Annalyn and Emery's bags. They were going to leave in the morning to head back to Indiana where we were having Ellie's service Sunday evening. Drew, Sam and I would be leaving as soon we got Ellie's ashes and the pictures from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. Even though I had been out all day the second I got into bed my mind went into hyper drive reliving every painful detail of the last 48 hours.

Eleanor Grace, her birth story.

My family was on the road from Indiana and they decided to stop at the hospital on the way to our house. We visited with them for about an hour or so in the middle of the night. After they left I think we slept for another hour or so and I woke up to intense cramping and back pain. I went to the bathroom and tried to settle back into bed. At about 5:00 am the nurse told me that she would be coming in shortly to take out the cervidal. For the next ten to twelve minutes I experienced some very painful contractions. I thought another contraction was about to start but to my surprise I felt a huge pop and my water broke at 5:15, the first time my water had ever broken on its own. I called the nurse in and told her what had happened and that I was in a tremendous amount of pain. She checked me and said that I was at 6cm and that it would likely be another two hours or so until the baby was born. I was very uncomfortable, not able to control myself during the contractions. I had contractions for the next fifteen to twenty minutes before I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I told the nurse I made a mistake and wanted an epidural. The doctor came in and said that he was going to call for the epidural but he wanted to check me first. He looked at me and said “No epidural, we are just going to push” He put on a glove and had me pull up my legs. I pushed one or two times and then he said “STOP!” both him and the nurse ran out of the room to get supplies, there was nothing ready in the room. About 45 seconds later he was back and said I could push again and her head was out. The pain was so incredibly intense, as none of the IV pain meds that gave me a few minutes before even had time to make a difference. The doctor immediately laid her on my chest and for a few seconds I thought the past day was a mistake. I thought she was moving and breathing. I put my hand on her body and started crying. It wasn't a mistake. She wasn't moving. It was my chest moving making her body moved. I looked at her and now I can't even describe all the emotions going through my head. She was absolutely perfect. She had brown hair. Our first baby to have brown hair. As soon as she was delivered the doctor was immediately able to tell the cause of Ellie passing away. There was an amniotic band tied around her umbilical cord. Her life had essentially been taken away by a tiny little piece of my body. He assured me that there was nothing I could have done to change what had happened but I am still struggling with that. http://amnioticbandsyndrome.com/ Drew was able to cut her umbilical cord which we talked about so I was happy about that. The nurse laid her in the warmer and from the hospital bed I just stared at her body. My mind would float between reality and what felt like a dream. She is just sleeping. No, she isn't sleeping she is gone. Maybe it's a mistake, why aren't they fixing my baby, make her cry. It's not a mistake, she can't be fixed, she isn't going to cry. It felt like forever that I was on the bed delivering the placenta. Like my labors with Emery and Samuel I had some bleeding that had to be controlled with some shots and pitocin. All I wanted to do was get up and hold my baby but I couldn't. Drew helped wash her off and get her into her perfect little cloth diaper and get her dressed. After what seemed like forever I was holding Ellie again. I loved feeling her in my arms. For some reason I thought that she was going to be smaller than what she was so I was very surprised when the nurse did her measurements and she was almost 8 pounds! Drew sat near me while I held her for awhile and then he decided it was time to go home and bring the girls to the hospital to meet Ellie. For almost two hours I spent time alone with my angel. I held her close and stared at her little body. She was so perfect, so amazing. I kissed her cheeks, I rubbed her hands and feet. I smelled her hair and looked at every part of her body. I didn't want to forget one single moment with her. For a brief 15 minutes I held her on my chest and dozed off. Sleeping with my babies is always one of my favorite things and I told Drew I wanted the chance to nap with her. A little bit later my family came to the hospital. Ellie's grandma, GiGi and great grandma were able to hold her and soak up some of her sweetness. Finally Drew was back with Annalyn and Emery. Both of the girls ran in to the room and said they wanted to meet their new baby sister, it was a moment I had been looking forward to for months but almost immediately Annalyn and Emery had questions, "Why is Ellie's skin this color?" "What is wrong with Ellie's lips?" "Why isn't Ellie crying or moving?" "Is Ellie sleeping?" We had to tell the girls that Ellie was going to live in heaven with Jesus and that she wouldn't be coming home with us. Annalyn was devastated. She went over and put her head in Drew's lap and cried for a really long time. This was all too much for a six year old and four year old to comprehend. Emery crawled in the bed with me and held Ellie on my lap and then Annalyn decided she wanted to hold Ellie all by herself in the chair. I was very hesitant because Ellie's body was so fragile and I was doing my best to cover up the damage that her body was already showing because I thought it would be too difficult for the girls to see and I didn't want them to remember her body that way. Annalyn looked like a proud big sister holding Ellie close. She was looking at her body the same way I was, probably trying to understand why this was happening. Again Annalyn started to ask some questions. I tried to answer them as gently as I could. It seemed like Annalyn was trying to digest everything that was happening but then she looked me in the eyes and said "She's dead isn't she?" I still feel like a thousand knives stabbing my heart just typing those words out. It was the first time it was spoken out loud. Yes, my baby was dead. She wasn't coming home with us. She wasn't alive and was never going to be. I responded with a simple "Yes, Ellie is dead but she is alive in heaven with Jesus" We spent a little more time with family and with the girls and then they left so that Drew and I could have some more alone time with our baby. I decided to get up and try and make myself look half way decent before the photographer came. Drew held Ellie in the chair and got some daddy snuggles in. The photographer came around noon and took some pictures of Ellie, the only pictures we will ever have. After the photographer left Drew and I pulled up two comfy chairs near the window and we sat down and held Ellie and each other close. It wasn't a super nice day outside but at that moment the sun was just shining in the windows and I felt a little peace. We talked about Ellie and about some of the things we were going to miss, we snuggled her, and cried. We said our goodbyes. Around 3pm, we called the nurse. I helped her change Ellie's clothes. I wanted to keep the outfit she was wearing so we put on a regular diaper from the hospital and put on a little white shirt and wrapped her up in the hospital blankets. I gave her one more kiss and laid her in the nurses arms. That would be the last time I held my angel's body. I was very anxious to get out of the hospital and away from the place that I was hoping to experience so much joy in but ended up only feeling the opposite. We were finally released from the hospital and had to go straight to the funeral home. No one should be having to go to a funeral home less than 12 hours after giving birth but because we wanted to have Ellie's service in Indiana only a few short days away all the arrangements had to be taken care of quickly.

38 Weeks 2 Days

I woke up a few times between 12:30 and when I finally got up at 6:15. I didn’t remember feeling the baby move around at all the other times I woke up. I had my regular 38 week OB appointment scheduled for 4:00 pm but I was getting nervous that I might be approaching real labor and not just early labor. I was also concerned with the lack of movement I felt. I called the nurse and she agreed I should be seen sooner. She scheduled me for 10:00 am but said I could come a bit earlier so I could get hooked up for an NST. I rested in my bed until about 9:00 and then changed my clothes to head to the doctor. A few minutes before 10:00 am the nurse took me back. I told her my concerns and she got me ready for an exam and started to hook me up to the monitors. She asked me where they had been hearing baby’s heartbeat recently and tried that spot first for the heart monitor. She couldn’t pick it up and gently moved it around to a few other locations. My body started to feel warm and I almost instantly knew something was not right. A 38 week baby isn’t tiny and they should have no problems finding a heartbeat. She called the doctor in to use the doppler. He moved it around on my belly for a good minute and didn’t say anything. He asked to check me, and after that he said “I’m not picking up a fetal heart beat. I am sending you down for an ultrasound” This was at 10:15. I started shaking but still was not completely sure what was happening. Two nurses took my arms and walked me down a hall and down stairs to the ultrasound waiting room. I saw three or four other pregnant women and I immediately began to panic and started yelling “WHY AM I JUST SITTING HERE? I am 38 weeks pregnant and you can’t find a heart beat on my baby!!” They then rushed me into the room. They set up the ultrasound and one tech was doing the procedure and one was rubbing my arm. I was just sitting there in shock. I tried to watch the screen but it was mostly turned away but what I did see just looked like ultrasound pictures, not a live ultrasound. She clicked a few buttons and put the wand away. I said “Is everything okay with my baby?” She said “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away” The next 45 minutes or so is a complete blur. I called Drew and managed to tell him what happened and the nurse gave him directions to the office I was at. I called my parents and then I sat in a large office with the doctor. He said a lot of things that I don’t really remember. Drew finally got there and we again talked to the doctor. I don’t recall all of what was said but he had to call the hospital to set up an induction. He got on the phone and I remember his exact words “I need to set up an induction for tomorrow for a patient, 38 weeks, a fetal demise. Those words still bring tears to my eyes. I had asked many times before that and after that if it could be a mistake but my mind replayed those words over and over. Drew drove me home and we were both just in shock. We talked about a lot of things and began making a few plans for the hospital. When we had our anatomy scan at 18 weeks we had the ultrasound tech put the gender in an envelope. We never did open it but decided that we would open it before we went in for the induction. It didn’t seem right to have the surprise now. Drew got Annalyn ready for school and on the bus and got the other kids laid down for a nap. He came into our bedroom where I was laying down and we opened up the envelope with the gender inside, it said “Girl!”. I knew it. We both cried. He told me to try and rest and I laid down. I couldn’t get comfortable and got up to use the bathroom. I had a little more bleeding and was beginning to cramp. I went downstairs to talk to Drew. I decided that I didn’t think that I could wait to go into the hospital until tomorrow so we called and requested that I go in that night. Since we knew the gender at this point we went through the baby clothes and I picked out an outfit for her. We also took a blanket that his nanny had made that was for a girl, because I told her I thought it was a girl. We said our goodbyes to the kids. We got to the hospital a little after 4:00 pm. We still had to go through registration to check into the hospital. The registration woman asked me if I was having pain from being in labor. I just kinda shrugged. We got up to the labor and delivery floor and the nurse grabbed my arm and slowly walked us back to our room. I didn’t want to go in. I started to have a lot of anxiety and began to cry. The nurse was amazing. She talked to us for a long time before I had to do anything. She told me to take my time and do what I wanted. At this point I really just wanted to get the process started. I was numb and broken. We talked about the plan of induction with the doctor and we decided to just start with a cervidal. The cervidal would stay in place for 12 hours and then we would see where my body was at that point. It was put place at 5:30pm. The next couple hours Drew and I talked about preparations and things that needed to happen after the baby was born. We discussed names, because we both agreed the name we had picked out for a little girl, was for a little girl that we would have been taking home. Since our other girls have names that start with a vowel we decided to start there. For a while we tossed around the name Isabelle but I didn’t think it fit. Elliot was the girl name that we were going to use, nick name Ellie so I asked him what he thought about “Eleanor”. It immediately seemed perfect. It went with Grace, which is what Drew requested for her middle name. We talked about when we would want her service and funeral to be, how we were going to talk to the kids and various other things I can’t remember now. The doctor allowed me to eat dinner so Drew and I ordered some food. Neither of us had eaten for about 24 hours at this point so we were very happy to do so. After we finished eating I requested a sleeping pill and was hoping to sleep for a bit.

38 Weeks 1 Day

I woke up Monday morning and went to the bathroom. There was a lot of mucous and bloody discharge. Almost as soon as I got up and moving around I began having contractions. I was also having lower back pain, random episodes of feeling like I was shivering, and just general body discomfort. After chatting with a bunch of my mamma friends I determined that I was in early labor stages. I went about my day normally. I decided to go to the grocery store so that my house was nice and stocked up. I even went to Goodwill and looked through the baby clothes. The first little onesie I saw was a grey onesie with pink edging that said “Little Sister”. I immediately put it into the cart, since I had been thinking baby was a girl since the beginning of my pregnancy. I grabbed a couple other little outfits (three girl ones, one gender neutral, and one boy shirt). I headed back home and the more I did the more I was confident that I was in labor. Later in the evening I did a couple more “last minute” errands and finally decided to set up the last few baby items in our bedroom. We opened a box of newborn disposable diapers to use upstairs during the night. The newborn cloth diapers had been prepped and ready for a few weeks by then. I went through and made sure I had enough little clothes ready so that I didn’t have to dig through the girl/boy box right away when we came home. Finally around 10:00pm I took a shower, and packed up my bathroom stuff into my hospital bag. While I was showering, prepping for bed I began having periods of intense back pain. Quite a number of times I got out of bed, changed positions, walked around my bedroom because of the discomfort. I looked at my phone when I finally got settled and it was about 11:15. I fell asleep, shortly after. I woke up wide awake to a little baby body part pushing out the side of my belly. I gently rubbed the baby to take away some of the discomfort and the baby moved around and I fell back asleep, after checking the time to see it was 12:30. This would end up being the last time I felt our little one move.