I ran today...

Another angel momma who is a runner told me a few weeks ago that she found out it was possible to cry while running.

Today I ran for the first time and found out that she was right. I was about to hit my first solid mile and for some reason out loud I said "WTF."

At that moment I was so mad. I was mad that I was running because there is NO way I would have been running at fives weeks after having a baby if that baby were still here. So of course I started to think about what I would be doing if Ellie had not of passed away and the anger turned into tears.

I remember when I started running after I had Sam. It was tricky to work out because of breast feeding.  I had to make sure and nurse him before I wanted to work out then you have to deal with the tight bras and all that madness. It didn't even try running until he was almost six months old and then I could barely go .25 miles without dying! Well today, at not even six weeks post partum I ran 1.25 miles without stopping and then walked/jogged .75 more after that.

It was a huge relief of negative energy. I was still mad and sad that I was doing it but I did feel better after. Like I have told many people if I have made it through so much physical and mental pain so far there is nothing I can't do. So today I signed up for two 5ks in July. I can't wait to see what I can do physically especially with my little angel cheering me on.

Why do babies have to die?

I was recently talking to a close friend who the girls and I are going to visit soon. I had to ask her if she had talked to her daughter about what happened. Annalyn has recently blindsided a few people we know when she talks about Ellie and their children start to ask questions. I wanted to make sure that my friend got a chance to talk to her daughter before Annalyn did.

It makes me sad. I hate that my kids and my friends' children have to know that babies die. It breaks my heart to hear Annalyn say she doesn't want to have any kids because she doesn't want them to have to go to heaven when they are babies.

I wish we didn't have to answer questions about dead people, cemeteries, dying and heaven all day long.

Let me say that it is torture having to see your four and six year old cry frequently over their baby sister. As much as I wanted a baby girl Annalyn and Emery wanted a baby sister even more! I hate that she was taken away from them so soon.

We all want her back.

It's 2:29 am

I knew taking an almost four hour nap today would not make for good sleep tonight and now here I am. This house is so peaceful at this hour. I try and imagine what it would be like with a one month old. I imagine that instead of sitting on the couch with Ellie's blanket I would be snuggled up with her. Maybe she would be awake and eating or maybe just passed out after a late night nursing session. One thing is for sure I bet she would be warm and smell like a perfect little newborn. I miss that newborn smell. Sam lost his tiny baby smell a long time ago. Sometimes when we snuggle I get little tiny whiffs of it on his head or on the back of his neck when I nuzzle my nose in close to him. I am so thankful that Sam is a little love bug. Whenever I hold him close I ask God to keep him as much like a baby as possible. I need it for just a little bit longer.

Ellie's Footprints

I love looking at her tiny little footprints.

It's been one month....

Almost exactly to the hour that I found out about our baby. Looking back I think that God put some sort of shield around me, trying to soften the blow of the unimaginable. One Month Ago: After having a hard time sleeping all night I woke up at 6:00 am. Instantly my mind went to the baby and trying to remember the last time I felt movement. I vividly remember the last kick I felt, 12:30 am. But I tried to convince myself that the baby was probably just moving while I was sleeping. My regular 38 week check up was scheduled for 4:00 pm that day. For peace of mind I told Drew I was going to call and try and get in earlier. My doctor's office/network has a 24 hour scheduling line so I called a little after 6. Pretty much all of the OBs who deliver at the hospital I was planning on delivering at were booked up so it took some work on her part but she was finally able to get me in for an appointment and non-stress test at 10:00. I went downstairs to talk to Drew and my mom (who was staying with us in preparation for the baby to be born). I told them that I just wasn't feeling well and was going to lay down until closer till the time of my appointment. I went back to bed. I rubbed my belly and thought that it felt different. Maybe the baby had dropped and was so low that is why it felt less tight. Yes, that is what I believed. I poked my belly and tried to feel anything. Baby must be ready to come out and is just snuggled in low. Looking back now I do not know how I was calm. Why did my brain even allow me to think that everything was okay? After 3 pregnancies I knew how I should feel at this point. I should feel my big baby moving. I rested for a little bit then got up and fixed my hair. I felt oddly at peace. All I could think was that very very soon I would be meeting our little baby, because there is no way I would have been carefully straightening my hair and even applying make up if I had known what had already happened. I know that I texted a few people and told them I was going in because of the lack of movement and everyone said they would send up good thoughts and well wishes. Unfortunately now I know that those were all too late. I sat in the doctors office and read on my kindle, and updated a few friends that I would shortly be going into my appointment. I remember seeing other pregnant women in the office and thinking, this is probably the last time my pregnant self will be waiting to get called back. When the nurse called me back, I was still calm. How? I will never know. I got undressed and up on the table. The nurse put both of the monitors around my belly as I explained that I didn't feel quite right and that I couldn't remember feeling any movement since around 12:30. She started moving the heart monitor around. It was an eery silence. She asked me where they typically get a good heart read on the baby. I showed her the spot, right above my right hip, on the underside of my baby bump. She put it there and it was still silent. STILL, I remained calm. She said she was going to bring the doctor in with the doppler. I laid back and waited. I was actually annoyed, thinking as soon as I get hooked up the baby is gonna go crazy kicking and I will look like a paranoid mom. I wish that had been the case. The doctor came in and now that I painstakingly relive every detail I can see the concern on his face. He put the doppler on my belly. We could hear my heart beat. He did an internal exam and said "We are sending you down for an ultrasound." I asked "Is everything okay with my baby?" He said "Typically this far along we are able to find a heartbeat." I know that it became hard to breath and that I cried but I still did not think my baby was not alive. Honestly the thought still had not entered my mind. I would have never guessed that would be the outcome in a million years. I called Drew and told him that they were not able to find the babies heart beat and that they were taking me down for an ultrasound. It would not be until about 15 minutes later when I saw my baby so still on the ultrasound machine and I heard the ultrasound tech confirm that my baby had passed that I would break down. One month ago. --------------------------- One month ago my world came crashing down. My body had failed me. My sweet little baby was gone. Having to imagine the thought that my womb, which was supposed to give me a new life and had brought me three beautiful babies was holding a baby that was not alive. I keep thinking if only I could go back one month and one day. Maybe I could change things. I would go into the doctor and tell them things felt different, insist on an ultrasound and maybe an induction. I would take another belly picture and go to the hospital happily and eagerly await to find out the gender of our new miracle. These are the things that should have happened. But here I sit. One month later and it is worse than ever. The nightmares have started, too horrible and graphic to even share here. I have to make myself get out of bed, typically with less than four hours of sleep because my other kids need me. They need me to be normal because what we have all gone through isn't normal. As I sit here and type Annalyn just asked me if Jesus has a crib for Ellie in heaven. I said "I bet so". My sweet innocent children now have to know and deal with the fact that babies die. Little siblings sometimes don't get to come home. A healthy baby in mommas belly sometimes will only give us an angel. It's not fair. It sucks. I want to scream and cry and punch something. None of those things will bring her back. Nothing I do will ever change this. One month ago I never thought I would be typing a blog about my baby passing away.

Seven years of my life

has been devoted to babies, pregnancy, nursing, diapers, car seats, late nights, pacifiers, reflux, bottles, breast pads, strollers, baby proofing, nap time, tiny clothes, exhaustion, maternity clothes, belly pictures, well baby checks and so much more but I think you get the point. Almost seven years ago we found out we were expecting our first child, only a few months after we got married. Now seven years later we have four beautiful children (although Ellie is in heaven she is still beautiful and still my baby!) So in seven years I have been pregnant four times. That means most all of our marriage has been devoted to everything I have listed above. Now it all seems so different. No more infant seat in our car, no more burp rags and tiny newborn diapers laying around the house. We have moved away from the adding to our family part of our lives and are now just focused on raising our older ones. I want to be excited about this. I keep thinking of the little more "freedom" I have. No nursing baby to be focused on 24/7, time to work on my "baby belly", easier outings, and an almost diaper free house. But I am not excited, it kills me. Ellie should be here and we should be starting our "18 more years till we have some freedom" countdown. It's easy to move into new phases of life when it is what was planned. Dealing with this tragedy that has thrown our world into a mini spiral is going to take some work, adjusting, and time to revise our plans and dreams.

When my thoughts bring me down.

Why do I keep asking myself questions I will never get answers to? Why do I someone find a way to blame myself for this? Why do I replay the moment over and over again in my head when I learned that my baby was dead? Why can't I just shut down my brain to anything besides the good? Why do I have to have dreams that make me wake up and search for a baby that I don't have? Why did I get pregnant when I wasn't supposed to and hear over and over again that this baby was "meant to be" and must be a miracle only to have that special baby ripped away from me? Why does everyone else get to move on with their lives and be happy and I have to relive my tragedy day after day? Why do people that don't love and appreciate the children they have get to have more babies and I don't? I pray to God to give me peace. I don't need these answers I just need to stop thinking about the questions. God has a plan but this isn't anything like I thought it would be.

I keep waiting...

for mail that isn't going to come. I keep hoping to see another social security card and birth certificate in the mail to add the envelope with all of our important documents. Stillborn babies don't get those. We got a death certificate. We didn't get her newborn pictures. We got her Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photos. We didn't get to personalize little art work for her nursery. We had to pick out a gravestone. I still keep waiting for something to be normal. Then I remind myself that having a baby that is not alive is not normal and this will take time to process.

Online communities

Since I was pregnant with Annalyn I have always gravitated towards online communities. When I was a few months pregnant with her I was introduced to a "Mom Board". A group of women online posting about pregnancy, newborns, and everything/anything about being a parent and all that goes along with it. Not many people understand the dynamics that go along with an internet community unless you are part of one. These are not just strangers behind the screen as some might think. These are women I talk to daily (many times throughout the day), they are women I have traveled hundreds of miles to meet, we share in each others joys and heartbreaks. We talk about the intimate details of pregnancy that one wouldn't normally share with just anyone. We talk about our children, our family, our marriage, our finances, our likes and dislikes. We often rant to each other and say things that we want to say to other people but it often is not appropriate. Some of these women have become my best friends. The day before we found out that Ellie passed away I was eagerly posting about every little tiny abnormal ache that I felt. My momma friends all eagerly assured me that it indeed sounded like I was in labor. When I woke up Tuesday April 22nd, and had was not feeling movement I shared my concerns with my momma friends. I updated them almost minute by minute until I got into the doctors office and got my heartbreaking news. Since that day, more than ever these women have banded together and helped hold me up so that I don't completely break down into pieces. If you have suffered a loss I highly suggest reaching out into an online community and maybe chatting with others that have experienced a loss. If you are a momma or trying to become one I suggest it as well. It is a great outlet and a wealth of knowledge.

I hate the night

Trying to be "normal" again is a lot of work. I think I hold back so much during the day to be there for the kids that when the night time comes all those emotions, thoughts, and tears I held back seem to overwhelm me at night. It seems I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open and then when my head hits pillow my grief and terrible thoughts begin to come out. My mind always goes back to the last night that Ellie was alive, feeling her kicks and laying in bed and talking with Drew about how close we were to meeting our new baby. Even though everyone tells me not to I keep asking myself, could I have done something differently? I start to think about what we would be doing right at this exact moment if she was here. Would we be trying to sleep after a bedtime nursing session? Would Drew be holding Ellie so I can try and sneak in a shower and maybe a few minutes to myself after a surely crazy day with 4 kids? Maybe I would be texting with a friend about my newborns nursing habits and the crazy amount of cloth diapers I seemed to use every day. Instead she is up in heaven and I am laying there, sad, broken, hurt, mad, jealous, and confused. But I have to get some sleep so I hold her blanket tight, I try and find a thought that might stop the flow of tears for just long enough to let me find peace and fall asleep. I have to pray that I don't have any dreams. I so badly want to dream about Ellie but I am more terrified of having dreams that hurt too much. Lately that is all I have. Dreams of friends announcing a pregnancy, or showing off their newborn to me remind me of what I can't have/don't have. The night time sucks.

I found this article

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2625525/A-mothers-sorrow-Macaque-monkey-spends-days-carrying-dead-newborn-baby-heartbreaking-display-grief.html

This is what made me cry today.

Thrown back into the reality

Today was my first day home alone with all the kids while Drew was back at work. Mornings are rough. Since I am not sleeping that well I am very tired and groggy in the morning. I had to make a good effort to just start moving because I knew if I sat down on the couch we would watch movies all morning and accomplish nothing. So right after breakfast I took the kids upstairs to Annalyn and Emery's room and started working on their closet. I turned on the Frozen soundtrack and worked away while the kids played dress up. We are having a garage sale this weekend so I am in a mad dash to get out anything and everything that I don't have any use for! The rest of the morning/lunch/nap time went surprisingly well. No random crying fits from any of the kids and we actually finished up lunch in time to play outside while we waited for the school bus. I haven't actually mustered up the energy yet to take all the kids outside alone. I knew it was coming so after trying to offer them many craft options and movie selections and still hearing them beg to go outside and play I caved. We live in a neighborhood with lots of other families with kids the same age as ours there is always a little mommy social time while the kids play. Fortunately my neighbors have been amazing. Even though we all just met a few short months ago I have grown close to many of them. No one seems to mind helping me chase Sam around or to keep an extra set of eyes on the girls. I was nervous though because the last time we were all outside playing Ellie was still alive and well inside my belly. We were all chatting about how huge my belly was getting and how it probably wouldn't be much longer at all. They all knew I wanted a little girl and we talked about how Elliot was such an adorable name for a baby girl. As with other things that have happened recently I was making too big of a deal out of the situation in my mind. Everything went well, I didn't have much of the anxiety that I had been feeling and I was even able to chat with a couple of the other moms about Ellie. I shared some of the pictures with one of my friends and we both gushed over how beautiful Ellie was. I had to laugh when my friend also commented on how long Ellie's finger nails were because Drew and I were JUST talking about it this morning. She would have had to get a nail trim quickly or she would have scratched her tiny little cheeks to pieces! A friend from my MOPS group brought us dinner, a wonderful chicken salad! The meal train has been such a blessing by taking the burden of having to prepare meals on top of physically/emotionally recovering and trying to tend to the kids. By the time dinner was finished I was so ready to go to bed but we still had homework and other "normal" nightly things to do. I will be so glad when my energy level is back to normal and my physical pain/discomfort has gone away. I have to constantly remind myself that just because Ellie is not here I did just have a baby. I get tired easily and my hips are still very achy. Also I have been stressing out EVERY single day, multiple times a day about my photo card. I contacted the company and their technicians are still trying to work on recovering the images off of the compact flash card. I don't want to say I have lost hope but I guess after something horrible happens you don't get your hopes up as easily. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I will be devastated if we don't get the photos back but I will have to find a way to work past it if it happens.

My First Mother's Day Without Her

I assume all special days of the year will be extra rough without Ellie so I was definitely not looking forward to today. I told Drew that I didn't want anything special, that spending the day at the house with him and the kids was good enough. The kids woke up early and Drew got up with them. I laid in bed for about half an hour of of course my mind went right to Ellie. She would have been almost 3 weeks old today, actually I could have still been pregnant, 41 weeks. If she was here I would have probably been laying in bed and nursing her or just fell asleep after an early morning nursing session. I probably would have been a little grumpy too, thinking about how I was tired from being up all night tending to newborn needs. Now I would give anything to stay up all night and have a newborn at my chest and change those tiny little diapers. I finally fell back to sleep and slept in till almost 11 am. Sleep has not been easy so the extra few hours was very nice. I was greeted with "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" and a mad dash to hand me cards right when I came down the stairs. Annalyn made me a card and had Drew tape some change inside of it. I asked her what I was supposed to do with the money, she said "Do some surprise Mother's Day shopping." I then asked her what I should buy, "Maybe a little toy or something to share with your kids." Ha When the kids laid down for a nap I decided to venture into the craft store and do a little project shopping. I made a shadow box for Ellie that had the outfit she wore in the hospital. After I made it and hung it up I decided it made me very sad to look at. I thought that if I made one for each of the kids and hung them all together it wouldn't be as painful to look at. Shadow boxes were buy one get one free so I made my way to Michael's and picked up all the supplies. I also thought it was time to do a little grocery shopping. I haven't cooked at all in the past three weeks and fast food and take out will only get you so far before nothing you can buy already prepared sounds appetizing. I was talking with a friend and told her how I actually like going out to the store. I feel like just one in the crowd, no one knows what has happened. I feel like when I am around someone that knows what has happened they are walking around on eggshells. No one knows what to say or what not to say so they say nothing. I don't know what to say because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so it is a sort of stalemate. I know grief and tragedy are not easy to deal with so I don't fault anyone for their actions I am just hoping it doesn't last forever. Overall my day was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course I missed Eleanor every single second but that is every day not just the special ones.

Truth

That was awkward.

Today for the first time since Ellie passed away I took the girls to their weekly dance class. Dance has been going on since September, just a couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant. So for the past 9 months I have talked to the other mom's as they admired my growing belly. We all talked about gender guesses, names we considered and anything and everything related to my pregnancy. I am not friends with any of these mom's outside of dance class so I was nervous about going in and facing the awkward questions. Surprisingly we received a card from the dance studio so I was a little baffled how the owners/teachers found out. I still didn't think that everyone would know. I guess I was wrong. No one said anything. No one asked about my baby. I hated every second of it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to talk about Ellie. It was obvious they all knew or if everything was "normal" they would have been asking to see pictures, to know the gender, to find out her name and ask about the birth. This is all still so fresh. My belly is still soft and my body shows signs of recently having a baby. I don't want to erase that but then maybe if my tummy was a little flatter and my hips back to normal the awkward stares at my stomach and wondering "What happened to her baby?" would not be so painful.

I hate feeling so angry and jealous

Anyone that knows me knows I have always had love for babies, kids, anything pregnancy related. Not so much now. Seeing a pregnant woman is basically a knife in my heart. I have had to hide every single one of my pregnant friends on FB, along with anyone that has recently had a baby or about to have a baby. My heart almost skips a beat and I feel like the air is completely sucked out of my body when I see my friends and their gorgeous pregnant bellies, most all of them pregnant and due soon with little baby girls. I know that they all feel horrible about what happened but it doesn't change the fact that they are about to have what I can't have even though I was supposed to. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy for my friends, I want to hold their little ones and gush over how gorgeous they are but I can't. I think I would rather die than have to hold another little baby girl because I just want my baby girl. Then my brain starts to rationalize and tell me how selfish and horrible I sound. The grief is unimaginable. I would never want anyone to have to go through this but I AM going through it and it freaking sucks. To make it worse their are a couple other women I have been pregnant with almost my entire pregnancy. We have all been going through the same stages of pregnancy at the same time. So like me they are about to have their baby girls and their husbands are about to have the joy of snuggling and spoiling their new little princesses. Why not us? Because our baby is gone. Something to think about: If you told someone you had a terminal disease, which of the following responses would bring you the most comfort? -Everything happens for a reason. -You'll be in a better place. -At least you lived a long life. -This is for the best. -God must need another angel. -I know how you feel. -At least your mom has other kids. -At least your spouse can remarry. While some may be true, would they help you? If not... please avoid making these statements to families who have lost their baby.

Ready to share a few pictures

Eleanor Grace Dobson 

4/23/2014 

5:54 am 

7 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long

Today is my due date

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for such a long time, well up until my world turned upside down. Now I just want to erase today off of the calender and out of my brain. I actually started looking forward to this date on September 2, 2013. 

That was the day I got this:

What a shock that was. Oh, and not just just a little shock, or a bitty surprise a whole OH MY GOSH IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING kind of surprise. Sam was born October 8, 2012. Less than a week later Drew had a vasectomy. We were done having kids. Actually we had decided on two and Sam was a surprise but after Sam we thought well three is the perfect number so we decided that permanent birth control was the best option for us. So you can imagine our surprise when I found out I was pregnant again. I was still nursing Samuel and wasn't having any regular cycles so I had no idea until those lines popped up on the test. I couldn't believe my eyes and neither could Drew. I started to cry and he started to laugh. Dobson Baby #4, Holy Moly! So about a month later, 12 months after his first vasectomy Drew had another one because we definitely agreed 4 children was plenty for us!

 As with each of my pregnancies I had horrible life altering morning sickness. Not the "oh, I feel crummy and might get sick" type of feeling the "I think I might be dying", "Is it actually possible to puke this many times in one day" sickness. I lost almost 20 pounds the first trimester. Besides that my pregnancy was fairly uneventful. I was not considered high risk this time because Sam's pregnancy was complication free. I loved being able to go out with the kids and not worry about my blood pressure, not be nervous the entire time that I would be put on bed rest and to have a "normal" pregnancy.

When the ultrasound showed that the baby had passed away my mind went crazy. My first reaction was "This is a mistake! God wanted me to have this baby! I shouldn't have even have gotten pregnant but I did so why would my baby be taken away." It is something I have been struggling with. Yes I do have other children and I am thankful for them every single day BUT that doesn't change the fact that I was supposed to have another baby and now I don't. I likely will never feel a baby kick inside my body again. Something that I had spent 9 months preparing for, dreaming about, talking to, sleeping with, causing me pain and joy all at once was gone. I felt like the world was being so cruel, here you are going to have a baby, no just kidding. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be at peace with not carrying another baby, nursing another little one, staying up late at night and being the exhausted new mom. The past almost 7 years of my life has been consumed with being pregnant, having a newborn, having a toddler, and then repeating. I have been instantly thrown into a new phase of life of raising and maintaining my family and not adding too it. I was not prepared. I didn't get to enjoy every last "first" like I had been imagining.

Our Facebook announcement

Half Way There!

32 Weeks!

35 Weeks!

The last belly picture I took, 37 weeks. One week and two days before we lost her.