A question I have grown to hate

"How are you doing?" My instant response is "okay". Then my mind starts screaming "YOU ARE NOT OKAY! YOU ARE BROKEN." But what does everyone want to hear, no one wants to hear that my body is torturing me, my heart is ripped in two, my breasts are filled with milk that I can not feed my baby, my hips ache with each step, I don't sleep at night because all I do is cry, my eyes burn every morning from the tears I cried the night before, my children cry for their sister they will never get to play with, my husband is angry at the world because our baby was taken away, everyone looks at me like I might die from sadness at any moment, every time I touch my belly I still think Ellie should be there, and all I want to do is crawl up in a tiny ball and cry. So I likely just say "okay" because that is easier to deal with. I don't have to hold back tears and relive every painful second of the previous week. But if anyone thinks I am just okay then they must be blind because my whole body shows signs of grief and exhaustion.

Ellie's Funeral

Ellie's funeral was simple and perfect. It was just family and close friends. It was raining and chilly but beautiful. Honestly most of it is a blur and I don't think I could share my emotions even if I tried. No one should ever have to bury their child. Seeing my other daughters put a flower down on their baby sister and crying real tears will forever change me. We lost our baby, they lost their sister, grandparents lost their grand baby, cousins lost a cousin, aunts and uncles lost a niece. Heaven did gain a beautiful angel and I know that Ellie will only ever know love but right now I just want her back with me.

 Saying one last goodbye to my angel

 One of my favorite floral arrangements we received. It was so beautiful and girly just like Ellie.

 Another one of my favorites.

Ellie's service

We had Eleanor's service today. It was more beautiful than I had even thought possible. Our church back in Indiana helped us put the whole service along with a visitation and dinner after the service together. The whole front of the church was covered in floral arrangements sent from friends and family. A slide show of the pictures the photographer took of Ellie played on the screen during the visitation. In the reception area Drew and I put together a table with the shadow boxes I made for Ellie, drawings Annalyn had made of her and Ellie, and some more photographs. My favorite part of the service was when the children's minister did a special part for Annalyn and Emery. For those of you that were there you know it turned out to be quite comical. It was like a glimpse into our every day life with three little ones. We learned that there are NO wedgies in heaven (thank you Emery!), Annalyn is not afraid of anything except thunder and lightning, and that Daddy missed our old house because he liked to throw their toys over the balcony when they left them in the living room. After the service we went back home to rest. My best friend made the trip to Indiana from Georgia and she was staying with me so we just sat and talked about Ellie and visited with each other. For some reason I thought that I should be crying more than I was but I truly felt like I was in a sort of fog. Things didn't seem real. Unfortunately with every passing hour the reality of what had happened would pop back up and kick me in the gut. No one would ever get to meet our little girl and hold her like they did with her big sister and brother. She would never be running around being crazy with her cousins. She would never get to walk around in Indiana and know why we called that our home though we didn't live there. My sweet baby, my last baby to be in my body was up in heaven looking down on me and I wanted her back. I didn't want to be burying her I wanted to be holding her. Also my body had more cruel ways to torture me. You would think that if my body took my baby away it would maybe be kind enough to realize I didn't need to feed her but Mother Nature kicked in and my milk came in, another horrible reminder that I was supposed to be taking care of my sweet girl. I never got to hold her close and nurse her, to see her sweet body fall asleep in a milk drunk slumber. I wondered how long my body would keep shoving it in my face that Ellie was gone.

Back to Indiana

We had an early morning start today by having to finish up packing for Indiana and helping my family get on the road with the girls. Every single task that I had to do today was a blaring reminder that my baby was gone. Discussions with the funeral home, talking to the cemetery owners, having to pick up Ellie's ashes, dealing with life insurance, picking out funeral clothes, making Ellie's remembrance boxes, looking at all the baby stuff not being used and fielding off the questions of what was going on with the wondering world were all too much for me. I was running on a couple of hours of sleep from the past few days so when my family left Drew took Sam to a close friends house so I could finish up packing and rest alone. It was very strange when everyone had left the house. I was, for the first time completely alone. There was no baby in my belly just me and my empty arms.. Even just a week ago I would have been over joyed with a quiet house to do what I wanted but now it seemed wrong. I found myself rubbing my belly very frequently and every time my heart throbbed. Just a couple days ago I would have felt a very big baby wiggling in the tiny amount of space left, I would have been talking to her (not knowing it was a her!) and asking when she was going to make her appearance. I was finally able to get the strength to take a shower and then I crawled into bed. Ellie's onesie still smelled like her so I held it near my face and closed my eyes. Not expecting much at all I was surprised when I woke up hours later! Drew had already gotten back home, brought Sam home and put him down for a nap. I didn't hear anything. I think my body was trying to catch up! We finished loading the car and got on the road to Indiana. Before we left New York though we stopped and met the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) photographer. I had messaged her about my photo card and told her the only pictures we would have of Ellie for her service would be the pictures that she took. She was amazing and worked extra hard and finished the pictures in less than two days. Not only did she give the photo CD she had also made me a album of all of the pictures, printed some larger sizes, and gave me a card with some extra goodies. I am so thankful that during the initial shock of finding out that some of my friends were able to help me out and get the photographer in place. We talked about it on the ride home and decided that we were going to use part of the money people gifted us to make a donation to the NILMDTS foundation. The car ride was not the normal happy car ride we typically have going back to Indiana. We felt more at peace burying Ellie in Indiana. We won't be in New York forever so we want her to be some place that we will always end up going and where there will be family to visit her often. Since Ellie was cremated we were able to take her ashes with us. We had the box they gave us and we wrapped it up in her blanket. Many people were surprised that we chose to have Ellie cremated. I honestly could not have imagined it any other way. I didn't want people handling her body and trying to "fix" her up. I only wanted to see her the way she was when she was born and not how someone else thought she should look. We drove all through the night and made it back to Indiana around 4 am.

First day without her.

Sleeping that first night at home was rough. Actually sleeping wasn't rough, laying awake for hours staring at the ceiling fan was rough. I was still dealing with the physical aftermath of just having a baby less than 24 hours prior. I felt weak and was still bleeding. I had been looking forward to my first night at home after having a baby. I always loved being free of the stupid hospital rules and happily laying in my bed with my baby on my chest. This was a whole new experience and it was hell. Instead of a sweet little newborn I laid their sobbing and clenching her blanket as tight as possible. I held the outfit she wore near my face to soak up any of the smell of her still left on the clothes. Still, I held out a little hope that this was all still a bad dream that maybe I could wake up from. I got up early and decided I wanted my mom and aunt to take me to the craft store. I got this idea in my head for a shadow box to make for Ellie's service and I couldn't rest till it was finished. So only 24 hours after giving birth I got in the car and went to Micheal's. I had to be pushed in a wheel chair because I was too weak to walk but I got everything I needed, with a price tag over over 120 dollars but it didn't matter because I wanted the box to be perfect. I had an idea and I wouldn't stop till it was finished. I needed a photo of Ellie for the box I was making. I decided to take my photo card to Walmart to print out some of the pictures I took at the hospital. Long story short my photo card somehow broke between taking pictures at the hospital and trying to load pictures to print. I was distraught. The ONLY pictures that were taken of Ellie and the girls were on my card, also the photos of my family holding Ellie. I made a plea on FB asking if anyone had any advice. I was given a lot of answers but ultimately decided to send the card off to a professional data recovery service. Later that evening I rode with Drew to go into his work office. He had to fax paperwork to deal with the Army/life insurance company so that we could pay for everything for Ellie. No one expects to be paying for a funeral/gravestone/etc when we should be worrying about buying last minute baby items. We also had to go to Kohl's and get something for Drew to wear to Ellie's funeral and service. Drew picked out a very pretty purple shirt because the color reminded him of Ellie. We took too much time picking his clothes out and I started to get really weak in the store. By the time we got to the check out all I could think was "Eff this, like we are ever going to wear these clothes again." We finally got home later that evening and I helped pack Annalyn and Emery's bags. They were going to leave in the morning to head back to Indiana where we were having Ellie's service Sunday evening. Drew, Sam and I would be leaving as soon we got Ellie's ashes and the pictures from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. Even though I had been out all day the second I got into bed my mind went into hyper drive reliving every painful detail of the last 48 hours.

Eleanor Grace, her birth story.

My family was on the road from Indiana and they decided to stop at the hospital on the way to our house. We visited with them for about an hour or so in the middle of the night. After they left I think we slept for another hour or so and I woke up to intense cramping and back pain. I went to the bathroom and tried to settle back into bed. At about 5:00 am the nurse told me that she would be coming in shortly to take out the cervidal. For the next ten to twelve minutes I experienced some very painful contractions. I thought another contraction was about to start but to my surprise I felt a huge pop and my water broke at 5:15, the first time my water had ever broken on its own. I called the nurse in and told her what had happened and that I was in a tremendous amount of pain. She checked me and said that I was at 6cm and that it would likely be another two hours or so until the baby was born. I was very uncomfortable, not able to control myself during the contractions. I had contractions for the next fifteen to twenty minutes before I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I told the nurse I made a mistake and wanted an epidural. The doctor came in and said that he was going to call for the epidural but he wanted to check me first. He looked at me and said “No epidural, we are just going to push” He put on a glove and had me pull up my legs. I pushed one or two times and then he said “STOP!” both him and the nurse ran out of the room to get supplies, there was nothing ready in the room. About 45 seconds later he was back and said I could push again and her head was out. The pain was so incredibly intense, as none of the IV pain meds that gave me a few minutes before even had time to make a difference. The doctor immediately laid her on my chest and for a few seconds I thought the past day was a mistake. I thought she was moving and breathing. I put my hand on her body and started crying. It wasn't a mistake. She wasn't moving. It was my chest moving making her body moved. I looked at her and now I can't even describe all the emotions going through my head. She was absolutely perfect. She had brown hair. Our first baby to have brown hair. As soon as she was delivered the doctor was immediately able to tell the cause of Ellie passing away. There was an amniotic band tied around her umbilical cord. Her life had essentially been taken away by a tiny little piece of my body. He assured me that there was nothing I could have done to change what had happened but I am still struggling with that. http://amnioticbandsyndrome.com/ Drew was able to cut her umbilical cord which we talked about so I was happy about that. The nurse laid her in the warmer and from the hospital bed I just stared at her body. My mind would float between reality and what felt like a dream. She is just sleeping. No, she isn't sleeping she is gone. Maybe it's a mistake, why aren't they fixing my baby, make her cry. It's not a mistake, she can't be fixed, she isn't going to cry. It felt like forever that I was on the bed delivering the placenta. Like my labors with Emery and Samuel I had some bleeding that had to be controlled with some shots and pitocin. All I wanted to do was get up and hold my baby but I couldn't. Drew helped wash her off and get her into her perfect little cloth diaper and get her dressed. After what seemed like forever I was holding Ellie again. I loved feeling her in my arms. For some reason I thought that she was going to be smaller than what she was so I was very surprised when the nurse did her measurements and she was almost 8 pounds! Drew sat near me while I held her for awhile and then he decided it was time to go home and bring the girls to the hospital to meet Ellie. For almost two hours I spent time alone with my angel. I held her close and stared at her little body. She was so perfect, so amazing. I kissed her cheeks, I rubbed her hands and feet. I smelled her hair and looked at every part of her body. I didn't want to forget one single moment with her. For a brief 15 minutes I held her on my chest and dozed off. Sleeping with my babies is always one of my favorite things and I told Drew I wanted the chance to nap with her. A little bit later my family came to the hospital. Ellie's grandma, GiGi and great grandma were able to hold her and soak up some of her sweetness. Finally Drew was back with Annalyn and Emery. Both of the girls ran in to the room and said they wanted to meet their new baby sister, it was a moment I had been looking forward to for months but almost immediately Annalyn and Emery had questions, "Why is Ellie's skin this color?" "What is wrong with Ellie's lips?" "Why isn't Ellie crying or moving?" "Is Ellie sleeping?" We had to tell the girls that Ellie was going to live in heaven with Jesus and that she wouldn't be coming home with us. Annalyn was devastated. She went over and put her head in Drew's lap and cried for a really long time. This was all too much for a six year old and four year old to comprehend. Emery crawled in the bed with me and held Ellie on my lap and then Annalyn decided she wanted to hold Ellie all by herself in the chair. I was very hesitant because Ellie's body was so fragile and I was doing my best to cover up the damage that her body was already showing because I thought it would be too difficult for the girls to see and I didn't want them to remember her body that way. Annalyn looked like a proud big sister holding Ellie close. She was looking at her body the same way I was, probably trying to understand why this was happening. Again Annalyn started to ask some questions. I tried to answer them as gently as I could. It seemed like Annalyn was trying to digest everything that was happening but then she looked me in the eyes and said "She's dead isn't she?" I still feel like a thousand knives stabbing my heart just typing those words out. It was the first time it was spoken out loud. Yes, my baby was dead. She wasn't coming home with us. She wasn't alive and was never going to be. I responded with a simple "Yes, Ellie is dead but she is alive in heaven with Jesus" We spent a little more time with family and with the girls and then they left so that Drew and I could have some more alone time with our baby. I decided to get up and try and make myself look half way decent before the photographer came. Drew held Ellie in the chair and got some daddy snuggles in. The photographer came around noon and took some pictures of Ellie, the only pictures we will ever have. After the photographer left Drew and I pulled up two comfy chairs near the window and we sat down and held Ellie and each other close. It wasn't a super nice day outside but at that moment the sun was just shining in the windows and I felt a little peace. We talked about Ellie and about some of the things we were going to miss, we snuggled her, and cried. We said our goodbyes. Around 3pm, we called the nurse. I helped her change Ellie's clothes. I wanted to keep the outfit she was wearing so we put on a regular diaper from the hospital and put on a little white shirt and wrapped her up in the hospital blankets. I gave her one more kiss and laid her in the nurses arms. That would be the last time I held my angel's body. I was very anxious to get out of the hospital and away from the place that I was hoping to experience so much joy in but ended up only feeling the opposite. We were finally released from the hospital and had to go straight to the funeral home. No one should be having to go to a funeral home less than 12 hours after giving birth but because we wanted to have Ellie's service in Indiana only a few short days away all the arrangements had to be taken care of quickly.

38 Weeks 2 Days

I woke up a few times between 12:30 and when I finally got up at 6:15. I didn’t remember feeling the baby move around at all the other times I woke up. I had my regular 38 week OB appointment scheduled for 4:00 pm but I was getting nervous that I might be approaching real labor and not just early labor. I was also concerned with the lack of movement I felt. I called the nurse and she agreed I should be seen sooner. She scheduled me for 10:00 am but said I could come a bit earlier so I could get hooked up for an NST. I rested in my bed until about 9:00 and then changed my clothes to head to the doctor. A few minutes before 10:00 am the nurse took me back. I told her my concerns and she got me ready for an exam and started to hook me up to the monitors. She asked me where they had been hearing baby’s heartbeat recently and tried that spot first for the heart monitor. She couldn’t pick it up and gently moved it around to a few other locations. My body started to feel warm and I almost instantly knew something was not right. A 38 week baby isn’t tiny and they should have no problems finding a heartbeat. She called the doctor in to use the doppler. He moved it around on my belly for a good minute and didn’t say anything. He asked to check me, and after that he said “I’m not picking up a fetal heart beat. I am sending you down for an ultrasound” This was at 10:15. I started shaking but still was not completely sure what was happening. Two nurses took my arms and walked me down a hall and down stairs to the ultrasound waiting room. I saw three or four other pregnant women and I immediately began to panic and started yelling “WHY AM I JUST SITTING HERE? I am 38 weeks pregnant and you can’t find a heart beat on my baby!!” They then rushed me into the room. They set up the ultrasound and one tech was doing the procedure and one was rubbing my arm. I was just sitting there in shock. I tried to watch the screen but it was mostly turned away but what I did see just looked like ultrasound pictures, not a live ultrasound. She clicked a few buttons and put the wand away. I said “Is everything okay with my baby?” She said “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat, your baby has passed away” The next 45 minutes or so is a complete blur. I called Drew and managed to tell him what happened and the nurse gave him directions to the office I was at. I called my parents and then I sat in a large office with the doctor. He said a lot of things that I don’t really remember. Drew finally got there and we again talked to the doctor. I don’t recall all of what was said but he had to call the hospital to set up an induction. He got on the phone and I remember his exact words “I need to set up an induction for tomorrow for a patient, 38 weeks, a fetal demise. Those words still bring tears to my eyes. I had asked many times before that and after that if it could be a mistake but my mind replayed those words over and over. Drew drove me home and we were both just in shock. We talked about a lot of things and began making a few plans for the hospital. When we had our anatomy scan at 18 weeks we had the ultrasound tech put the gender in an envelope. We never did open it but decided that we would open it before we went in for the induction. It didn’t seem right to have the surprise now. Drew got Annalyn ready for school and on the bus and got the other kids laid down for a nap. He came into our bedroom where I was laying down and we opened up the envelope with the gender inside, it said “Girl!”. I knew it. We both cried. He told me to try and rest and I laid down. I couldn’t get comfortable and got up to use the bathroom. I had a little more bleeding and was beginning to cramp. I went downstairs to talk to Drew. I decided that I didn’t think that I could wait to go into the hospital until tomorrow so we called and requested that I go in that night. Since we knew the gender at this point we went through the baby clothes and I picked out an outfit for her. We also took a blanket that his nanny had made that was for a girl, because I told her I thought it was a girl. We said our goodbyes to the kids. We got to the hospital a little after 4:00 pm. We still had to go through registration to check into the hospital. The registration woman asked me if I was having pain from being in labor. I just kinda shrugged. We got up to the labor and delivery floor and the nurse grabbed my arm and slowly walked us back to our room. I didn’t want to go in. I started to have a lot of anxiety and began to cry. The nurse was amazing. She talked to us for a long time before I had to do anything. She told me to take my time and do what I wanted. At this point I really just wanted to get the process started. I was numb and broken. We talked about the plan of induction with the doctor and we decided to just start with a cervidal. The cervidal would stay in place for 12 hours and then we would see where my body was at that point. It was put place at 5:30pm. The next couple hours Drew and I talked about preparations and things that needed to happen after the baby was born. We discussed names, because we both agreed the name we had picked out for a little girl, was for a little girl that we would have been taking home. Since our other girls have names that start with a vowel we decided to start there. For a while we tossed around the name Isabelle but I didn’t think it fit. Elliot was the girl name that we were going to use, nick name Ellie so I asked him what he thought about “Eleanor”. It immediately seemed perfect. It went with Grace, which is what Drew requested for her middle name. We talked about when we would want her service and funeral to be, how we were going to talk to the kids and various other things I can’t remember now. The doctor allowed me to eat dinner so Drew and I ordered some food. Neither of us had eaten for about 24 hours at this point so we were very happy to do so. After we finished eating I requested a sleeping pill and was hoping to sleep for a bit.

38 Weeks 1 Day

I woke up Monday morning and went to the bathroom. There was a lot of mucous and bloody discharge. Almost as soon as I got up and moving around I began having contractions. I was also having lower back pain, random episodes of feeling like I was shivering, and just general body discomfort. After chatting with a bunch of my mamma friends I determined that I was in early labor stages. I went about my day normally. I decided to go to the grocery store so that my house was nice and stocked up. I even went to Goodwill and looked through the baby clothes. The first little onesie I saw was a grey onesie with pink edging that said “Little Sister”. I immediately put it into the cart, since I had been thinking baby was a girl since the beginning of my pregnancy. I grabbed a couple other little outfits (three girl ones, one gender neutral, and one boy shirt). I headed back home and the more I did the more I was confident that I was in labor. Later in the evening I did a couple more “last minute” errands and finally decided to set up the last few baby items in our bedroom. We opened a box of newborn disposable diapers to use upstairs during the night. The newborn cloth diapers had been prepped and ready for a few weeks by then. I went through and made sure I had enough little clothes ready so that I didn’t have to dig through the girl/boy box right away when we came home. Finally around 10:00pm I took a shower, and packed up my bathroom stuff into my hospital bag. While I was showering, prepping for bed I began having periods of intense back pain. Quite a number of times I got out of bed, changed positions, walked around my bedroom because of the discomfort. I looked at my phone when I finally got settled and it was about 11:15. I fell asleep, shortly after. I woke up wide awake to a little baby body part pushing out the side of my belly. I gently rubbed the baby to take away some of the discomfort and the baby moved around and I fell back asleep, after checking the time to see it was 12:30. This would end up being the last time I felt our little one move.