Ellie's service

We had Eleanor's service today. It was more beautiful than I had even thought possible. Our church back in Indiana helped us put the whole service along with a visitation and dinner after the service together. The whole front of the church was covered in floral arrangements sent from friends and family. A slide show of the pictures the photographer took of Ellie played on the screen during the visitation. In the reception area Drew and I put together a table with the shadow boxes I made for Ellie, drawings Annalyn had made of her and Ellie, and some more photographs. My favorite part of the service was when the children's minister did a special part for Annalyn and Emery. For those of you that were there you know it turned out to be quite comical. It was like a glimpse into our every day life with three little ones. We learned that there are NO wedgies in heaven (thank you Emery!), Annalyn is not afraid of anything except thunder and lightning, and that Daddy missed our old house because he liked to throw their toys over the balcony when they left them in the living room. After the service we went back home to rest. My best friend made the trip to Indiana from Georgia and she was staying with me so we just sat and talked about Ellie and visited with each other. For some reason I thought that I should be crying more than I was but I truly felt like I was in a sort of fog. Things didn't seem real. Unfortunately with every passing hour the reality of what had happened would pop back up and kick me in the gut. No one would ever get to meet our little girl and hold her like they did with her big sister and brother. She would never be running around being crazy with her cousins. She would never get to walk around in Indiana and know why we called that our home though we didn't live there. My sweet baby, my last baby to be in my body was up in heaven looking down on me and I wanted her back. I didn't want to be burying her I wanted to be holding her. Also my body had more cruel ways to torture me. You would think that if my body took my baby away it would maybe be kind enough to realize I didn't need to feed her but Mother Nature kicked in and my milk came in, another horrible reminder that I was supposed to be taking care of my sweet girl. I never got to hold her close and nurse her, to see her sweet body fall asleep in a milk drunk slumber. I wondered how long my body would keep shoving it in my face that Ellie was gone.