First day without her.

Sleeping that first night at home was rough. Actually sleeping wasn't rough, laying awake for hours staring at the ceiling fan was rough. I was still dealing with the physical aftermath of just having a baby less than 24 hours prior. I felt weak and was still bleeding. I had been looking forward to my first night at home after having a baby. I always loved being free of the stupid hospital rules and happily laying in my bed with my baby on my chest. This was a whole new experience and it was hell. Instead of a sweet little newborn I laid their sobbing and clenching her blanket as tight as possible. I held the outfit she wore near my face to soak up any of the smell of her still left on the clothes. Still, I held out a little hope that this was all still a bad dream that maybe I could wake up from. I got up early and decided I wanted my mom and aunt to take me to the craft store. I got this idea in my head for a shadow box to make for Ellie's service and I couldn't rest till it was finished. So only 24 hours after giving birth I got in the car and went to Micheal's. I had to be pushed in a wheel chair because I was too weak to walk but I got everything I needed, with a price tag over over 120 dollars but it didn't matter because I wanted the box to be perfect. I had an idea and I wouldn't stop till it was finished. I needed a photo of Ellie for the box I was making. I decided to take my photo card to Walmart to print out some of the pictures I took at the hospital. Long story short my photo card somehow broke between taking pictures at the hospital and trying to load pictures to print. I was distraught. The ONLY pictures that were taken of Ellie and the girls were on my card, also the photos of my family holding Ellie. I made a plea on FB asking if anyone had any advice. I was given a lot of answers but ultimately decided to send the card off to a professional data recovery service. Later that evening I rode with Drew to go into his work office. He had to fax paperwork to deal with the Army/life insurance company so that we could pay for everything for Ellie. No one expects to be paying for a funeral/gravestone/etc when we should be worrying about buying last minute baby items. We also had to go to Kohl's and get something for Drew to wear to Ellie's funeral and service. Drew picked out a very pretty purple shirt because the color reminded him of Ellie. We took too much time picking his clothes out and I started to get really weak in the store. By the time we got to the check out all I could think was "Eff this, like we are ever going to wear these clothes again." We finally got home later that evening and I helped pack Annalyn and Emery's bags. They were going to leave in the morning to head back to Indiana where we were having Ellie's service Sunday evening. Drew, Sam and I would be leaving as soon we got Ellie's ashes and the pictures from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. Even though I had been out all day the second I got into bed my mind went into hyper drive reliving every painful detail of the last 48 hours.