Back to Indiana

We had an early morning start today by having to finish up packing for Indiana and helping my family get on the road with the girls. Every single task that I had to do today was a blaring reminder that my baby was gone. Discussions with the funeral home, talking to the cemetery owners, having to pick up Ellie's ashes, dealing with life insurance, picking out funeral clothes, making Ellie's remembrance boxes, looking at all the baby stuff not being used and fielding off the questions of what was going on with the wondering world were all too much for me. I was running on a couple of hours of sleep from the past few days so when my family left Drew took Sam to a close friends house so I could finish up packing and rest alone. It was very strange when everyone had left the house. I was, for the first time completely alone. There was no baby in my belly just me and my empty arms.. Even just a week ago I would have been over joyed with a quiet house to do what I wanted but now it seemed wrong. I found myself rubbing my belly very frequently and every time my heart throbbed. Just a couple days ago I would have felt a very big baby wiggling in the tiny amount of space left, I would have been talking to her (not knowing it was a her!) and asking when she was going to make her appearance. I was finally able to get the strength to take a shower and then I crawled into bed. Ellie's onesie still smelled like her so I held it near my face and closed my eyes. Not expecting much at all I was surprised when I woke up hours later! Drew had already gotten back home, brought Sam home and put him down for a nap. I didn't hear anything. I think my body was trying to catch up! We finished loading the car and got on the road to Indiana. Before we left New York though we stopped and met the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) photographer. I had messaged her about my photo card and told her the only pictures we would have of Ellie for her service would be the pictures that she took. She was amazing and worked extra hard and finished the pictures in less than two days. Not only did she give the photo CD she had also made me a album of all of the pictures, printed some larger sizes, and gave me a card with some extra goodies. I am so thankful that during the initial shock of finding out that some of my friends were able to help me out and get the photographer in place. We talked about it on the ride home and decided that we were going to use part of the money people gifted us to make a donation to the NILMDTS foundation. The car ride was not the normal happy car ride we typically have going back to Indiana. We felt more at peace burying Ellie in Indiana. We won't be in New York forever so we want her to be some place that we will always end up going and where there will be family to visit her often. Since Ellie was cremated we were able to take her ashes with us. We had the box they gave us and we wrapped it up in her blanket. Many people were surprised that we chose to have Ellie cremated. I honestly could not have imagined it any other way. I didn't want people handling her body and trying to "fix" her up. I only wanted to see her the way she was when she was born and not how someone else thought she should look. We drove all through the night and made it back to Indiana around 4 am.