Missing my sweet girl

Dear Eleanor,
I miss you so very much sweet angel. Sunday Mommy and Daddy took your sisters and brother to the pool. As I was loading them up in Daddy's truck my mind instantly went to you. Daddy and I often joked when I was pregnant with you that we would all never be able to ride in his truck again. Your sissys and brother were all buckled in to their seats and dressed in their bathing suits. I began to think about this adorable pink little bathing suit that I bought before you were born in case you were a girl. I began to cry, we miss you. 

We had so many plans this summer and every single one included you. Almost hourly I imagine what I would be doing if you were here with us. We love you so much Ellie.

1 in 4

1 in 4.
That is how many pregnancies will end without a baby.

Sometimes I think about all the people I was pregnant with, those people having their babies or about to have their babies and I get angry. They are all so happy, so full of love and joy. Their number wasn't called. Mine was. They dodged the bullet and I took the hit.

It doesn't seem fair. No, I would never wish this on anyone in a million years but it's not fair.

I don't want another baby, I just want her.

I know people mean well when they try and comfort me with the words, "Well, you never know what will happen maybe you will have another baby."

I don't want another baby. I want Ellie. I want the baby I already had. On top of that, no I likely will never have another baby. People don't know our "reproductive" situation, it's not their business so I don't normally explain that after two vasectomies the chances of another baby are very very unlikely.  So the words people try and say to comfort me don't really work in this situation.

Things you should know about stillbirth

This is going to be a work in progress. Through my loss one thing I have found out that stillbirth is a very taboo subject. Death of a baby is not something anyone wants to talk about so because of that it is not something a lot of people know about. I have encountered some awkward situations and have been asked/told some very insensitive things. Like always I still try and see the good in people and assume that the reason for these insensitive questions/comments are lack of knowledge about the topic.
I will be updating this post as I think of more useful information. Please comment on this post or email me at kristinrdobson@hotmail.com if you have a question that you think might be helpful for me to answer for my readers.


1. Yes, I still had to have Eleanor. Just like a normal pregnancy I had to give birth to my angel. I didn't get to go into the hospital and just have her "taken out". Stillbirth is not a valid medical reason to have a cesarean section (in most all cases). In my case as with most I found out Eleanor had passed away before I was in labor. I was given the option to be induced immediately or to wait and try and go into labor on my own. I discussed my options with my OB and made a choice that I felt was right. Some women prefer to wait and have more time with their little one inside of them. For me I wanted to have her as soon as possible and meet her.

Like with my other living children I was medically induced. With minimal medical intervention I labored and delivered Eleanor, almost all natural. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was sad. But I had to do it.

Unless a mother of a baby that has had a stillbirth offers up information or starts to talk about their labor and delivery experience it is best to not approach the subject unless you are a close friend/family, know the person and know that they are in a place where the questions will not do more harm than good. If the bereaved parent has told you that they do not mind answering questions or they on their own start talking about it please be sensitive. Please do not say "I don't know how you did it", because neither do they.

2.  A baby that is stillborn most of the time is 100% healthy (without medical problems), which was Eleanor's case. Stillbirth can be caused by many factors and a lot of them time no actual medical reason is found. Eleanor's umbilical cord had a uterine fiber tying her cord off/cutting off her life supply.

When you find out someone you know has had a still birth please to not immediately inquire to the reason why. I had many people before and after I have birth to Ellie ask me "Oh my gosh WHAT HAPPENED?" In the beginning this question was extremely painful and caught me off guard. Now, almost two months later the question is still painful but I have had time to prepare an answer and talk about it with a little less pain.