Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Seven years of my life
has been devoted to babies, pregnancy, nursing, diapers, car seats, late nights, pacifiers, reflux, bottles, breast pads, strollers, baby proofing, nap time, tiny clothes, exhaustion, maternity clothes, belly pictures, well baby checks and so much more but I think you get the point.
Almost seven years ago we found out we were expecting our first child, only a few months after we got married. Now seven years later we have four beautiful children (although Ellie is in heaven she is still beautiful and still my baby!) So in seven years I have been pregnant four times. That means most all of our marriage has been devoted to everything I have listed above.
Now it all seems so different. No more infant seat in our car, no more burp rags and tiny newborn diapers laying around the house. We have moved away from the adding to our family part of our lives and are now just focused on raising our older ones. I want to be excited about this. I keep thinking of the little more "freedom" I have. No nursing baby to be focused on 24/7, time to work on my "baby belly", easier outings, and an almost diaper free house. But I am not excited, it kills me. Ellie should be here and we should be starting our "18 more years till we have some freedom" countdown. It's easy to move into new phases of life when it is what was planned. Dealing with this tragedy that has thrown our world into a mini spiral is going to take some work, adjusting, and time to revise our plans and dreams.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh, sweets :( I can only imagine how unbearably horrible this stage must feel for you. Even though we planned to stop at four and I had my procedure done, it was a very painful struggle to know I was never going to experience the joys of pregnancy and a new baby again. It took about an entire year for me to feel at peace with it and look a bit more forward to this new stage, and this was without such an earth-shattering loss..
ReplyDeletePlease, above all else, be kind to yourself. If it can suck so much without the loss, it must be unfathomable with it. Id imagine its going to take a very long time, and longer still, before it ever feels close to 'ok' so please, just be kind to yourselves. Dont ever allow anyone to rush you or bottle anything up, ever.
Thinking of you :(