My First Mother's Day Without Her

I assume all special days of the year will be extra rough without Ellie so I was definitely not looking forward to today. I told Drew that I didn't want anything special, that spending the day at the house with him and the kids was good enough. The kids woke up early and Drew got up with them. I laid in bed for about half an hour of of course my mind went right to Ellie. She would have been almost 3 weeks old today, actually I could have still been pregnant, 41 weeks. If she was here I would have probably been laying in bed and nursing her or just fell asleep after an early morning nursing session. I probably would have been a little grumpy too, thinking about how I was tired from being up all night tending to newborn needs. Now I would give anything to stay up all night and have a newborn at my chest and change those tiny little diapers. I finally fell back to sleep and slept in till almost 11 am. Sleep has not been easy so the extra few hours was very nice. I was greeted with "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" and a mad dash to hand me cards right when I came down the stairs. Annalyn made me a card and had Drew tape some change inside of it. I asked her what I was supposed to do with the money, she said "Do some surprise Mother's Day shopping." I then asked her what I should buy, "Maybe a little toy or something to share with your kids." Ha When the kids laid down for a nap I decided to venture into the craft store and do a little project shopping. I made a shadow box for Ellie that had the outfit she wore in the hospital. After I made it and hung it up I decided it made me very sad to look at. I thought that if I made one for each of the kids and hung them all together it wouldn't be as painful to look at. Shadow boxes were buy one get one free so I made my way to Michael's and picked up all the supplies. I also thought it was time to do a little grocery shopping. I haven't cooked at all in the past three weeks and fast food and take out will only get you so far before nothing you can buy already prepared sounds appetizing. I was talking with a friend and told her how I actually like going out to the store. I feel like just one in the crowd, no one knows what has happened. I feel like when I am around someone that knows what has happened they are walking around on eggshells. No one knows what to say or what not to say so they say nothing. I don't know what to say because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so it is a sort of stalemate. I know grief and tragedy are not easy to deal with so I don't fault anyone for their actions I am just hoping it doesn't last forever. Overall my day was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course I missed Eleanor every single second but that is every day not just the special ones.