I hate the night

Trying to be "normal" again is a lot of work. I think I hold back so much during the day to be there for the kids that when the night time comes all those emotions, thoughts, and tears I held back seem to overwhelm me at night. It seems I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open and then when my head hits pillow my grief and terrible thoughts begin to come out. My mind always goes back to the last night that Ellie was alive, feeling her kicks and laying in bed and talking with Drew about how close we were to meeting our new baby. Even though everyone tells me not to I keep asking myself, could I have done something differently? I start to think about what we would be doing right at this exact moment if she was here. Would we be trying to sleep after a bedtime nursing session? Would Drew be holding Ellie so I can try and sneak in a shower and maybe a few minutes to myself after a surely crazy day with 4 kids? Maybe I would be texting with a friend about my newborns nursing habits and the crazy amount of cloth diapers I seemed to use every day. Instead she is up in heaven and I am laying there, sad, broken, hurt, mad, jealous, and confused. But I have to get some sleep so I hold her blanket tight, I try and find a thought that might stop the flow of tears for just long enough to let me find peace and fall asleep. I have to pray that I don't have any dreams. I so badly want to dream about Ellie but I am more terrified of having dreams that hurt too much. Lately that is all I have. Dreams of friends announcing a pregnancy, or showing off their newborn to me remind me of what I can't have/don't have. The night time sucks.