Wednesday, May 7, 2014
I hate feeling so angry and jealous
Anyone that knows me knows I have always had love for babies, kids, anything pregnancy related.
Not so much now.
Seeing a pregnant woman is basically a knife in my heart. I have had to hide every single one of my pregnant friends on FB, along with anyone that has recently had a baby or about to have a baby. My heart almost skips a beat and I feel like the air is completely sucked out of my body when I see my friends and their gorgeous pregnant bellies, most all of them pregnant and due soon with little baby girls. I know that they all feel horrible about what happened but it doesn't change the fact that they are about to have what I can't have even though I was supposed to.
I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy for my friends, I want to hold their little ones and gush over how gorgeous they are but I can't. I think I would rather die than have to hold another little baby girl because I just want my baby girl. Then my brain starts to rationalize and tell me how selfish and horrible I sound. The grief is unimaginable. I would never want anyone to have to go through this but I AM going through it and it freaking sucks.
To make it worse their are a couple other women I have been pregnant with almost my entire pregnancy. We have all been going through the same stages of pregnancy at the same time. So like me they are about to have their baby girls and their husbands are about to have the joy of snuggling and spoiling their new little princesses. Why not us? Because our baby is gone.
Something to think about:
If you told someone you had a terminal disease, which of the following responses would bring you the most comfort?
-Everything happens for a reason.
-You'll be in a better place.
-At least you lived a long life.
-This is for the best.
-God must need another angel.
-I know how you feel.
-At least your mom has other kids.
-At least your spouse can remarry.
While some may be true, would they help you?
If not... please avoid making these statements to families who have lost their baby.
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Kristin,
ReplyDeleteYou may or may not know I was orphaned at age 14 when my mother unexpectedly died after a routine surgery. Though a different type of loss, I want you to know that I identify with what you wrote here. So many comments were well meaning but not helpful during that time. The reality was the most meaningful comfort was to have people willing to endure the awkwardness and spend time with me, talk with me, and allow me to grieve. In my case, over a lot of time, God showed me that he did in fact love me in spite of my questions and doubt during my grief and he gave me the ability to work through all of the complicated feelings during that time. Hang in there. I'm praying for you and your family in this difficult time. - Jim